a new mantra.

this will be the running mantra in my brain until June 13th:
EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY. EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY. EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY.

that should help,
hopefully.

because right now i'm wavering between a deathly fear of what's to come, and a pleasant recognition that this is it for at least a year.
if the two were put in a boxing ring the first would claim victory 9 out of 10 rounds. you might even say the first would likely open a can of spaghetti on the second's ass.

...i didn't sleep very much last night.

will it really be okay?

man pelting tiny metal objects.

I was in a mall with a group of friends on some trip.

We went to the stairwell after hearing there was a crazy person throwing nails and coins at people from a few flights up.
We descended a few flights and then began to get pelted by the tiny metal objects. One of the guys in the group and I were walking alone together down the stairwell. He took my hand for the first time and we linked fingers. He knew I was scared and the time was right. But still, I joked with him, saying "Isn't this a little intimate?!" (and you know how in dreams everything is extra dramatic...well it felt like we were descending to our doom, so it was even more touching and my joke was even more awkward.)

We continued descending, trying to stay close to the walls so we were struck fewer times by things.
I remember specifically seeing a large coin hit the floor and a large nail, then thinking how badly they could've hurt if I hadn't dodged them so well.
After a long pelting, one of the girls and I escaped.
We went out an Emergency Exit and crawled along the mossy rocks of the seashore as far as we could. It was frigid and misty. We went a long ways, then climbed up onto the grass. We continued to crawl frantically. The grass wasn't misty, but completely wet.
I looked back to the stairwell and at the top there was a glass balcony. The crazy person lived there. He came out onto the balcony and pulled out a long gun. He hoisted it onto his shoulder and began focusing the aim on us.
There were couches scattered throughout the field so we hid behind the closest. Trembling in fear, crouched behind the couch together with his aim on us...that's how I woke up.

borrrrrrrring.

I haven't been sleeping well recently.
Actually, that's a lie. I've been sleeping very well, but as I lay down to bed each night, I wish it were hours earlier and I wasn't falling asleep past 2 am every "evening."
Tonight I decided to try sleeping earlier, but instead I've been flipping and flopping in bed for a couple of hours.
I just watched an ENTIRE episode of Star Trek. Usually they put me to sleep like a lullaby, warm milk, and a good hard knock over the head.
But no, the full thing. And I enjoyed it. ?

So now I'm going to post about my day in hopes that it will bring a needed finale for my brain to relax and let me sleep.

Today was great.
I woke up to sunshine and soon after Shaun, Leila, and baby came over. We chatted for a bit, then went on a walk with Katie to boulevard park because the freaking sun was out!...eh hem...finally.
And while they were here I realized I'm jealous of baby because she looks good in a double chin.
And I'm bitter towards baby because she won't look me in the eye when I'm trying to tell her a story.

Anyway, so we walked and that was good fun.
Then we were nearly blown off the boardwalk by the arctic chill winds, but forged on to the park, then back home.

When we got back Shaun and I took the ginormous painting of leila down to the car and found it definitely was too big to fit. So Shaun ended up tying it to the top, which was entertaining, strapped down with a tarp and rope.
They took my pile of art to keep, I threw away the art to throw away, and now my apartment is nearly devoid of any art. It's very different and now I realize how important art is in life.
But I'm glad. It'll make moving so much easier.

We hung out some more, then they left. I was feeling anxious to get back into the sunshine, so I did. I went on an aimless walk towards downtown, ran into Jon Zeller who is off to China soon. That was a tinge serendipitous because on the way I was thinking I'd stop in at the cafe where he works to see if he's working so I could chat about China with him.
Then went to the co-op for sick people provisions, and as I left ran into Gwen who was about to go meet up with Katie, William, and Mary. We made plans to meet up in 20 so I could go hang out with the bunch too, I saw Maia briefly, then rode with Gwen to Katie's.
It was strange how that aimless walk turned out to be perfectly orchestrated.

God this post is dull.

Hanging out with them all was fun. We went to Casa, then to Mallards, then to buy balloons which unfortunately were a migraine and a half to blow up.
So instead we played Scategories.
William had to go home to get the game so while Katie, Gwen, and William were gone Mary and I brainstormed a prank to surprise them with.
We decided to set up Katie's tent in the kitchen then get in it.
The tent was wonky and deflated because we didn't have dirt or stakes to support the walls with. We turned off all the lights and got in it. They came home and assumed we had left, turned on the lights, and surprise!...we were in the tent.
It was actually really hilarious. Mary was rolling on the floor laughing.
But you probably had to be there.

Yeah, so we played the game and it was jolly and fun.


Now I need to stop typing because this post is boring as is. More is less Carissa. This is more, not less.
But, I'm wide awake and it just turned 2 am.
:(

furious subconscious.

Last night my dreams were aggressive.
I yelled at David Wall for being a jerk in class. He was speaking, loudly, will the professor was trying to show us all something. The rest of us were quiet and obedient, but he was blabbing away.
So, I yelled across the room, "David! Why don't you just shut up for once and pay some respect. God!"
He succumbed to the power of my voice.

And then I was on a plane with a really annoying guy who tagged along with me and my friends. He was complaining like nobody's business, writhing around in his seat uncomfortable, and picking on the Chinese ladies sitting beside him.
I got angry at him too. I told him out for being a self-centered jerk and informed him he needed to be patient like the rest of us.

Then I argued with a professor for not being fair.

I read this article yesterday that said when you're angry you shouldn't let it out in cathartic actions like yelling or throwing dishes because it won't solve the problem. It'll make you angry more often...I never yell or throw things. I think my catharsis wreaks it's wrath in my dreams.
Things is, I didn't think I was angry about anything.

why is this so hard?

i've got piles of art around my apartment right now. lots of them. large piles.
i'm attached to everything. i learned something making each one, and want to keep it around.
i know it sounds stupid but they're a part of me, and
Dagnabit! I don't want to get rid of any of them.

But, it's so necessary if i want to ever leave this place.

there's a heap in front of me i'm going to throw away today.

i'm taking pictures of everything first for documentation, but it feels more like photographing a piece of me as i shove it in a coffin and stuff it in the ground. forever.

i seriously am on the verge of tears right now. maybe i should take a break that isn't just posting on a blog, only exacerbating my overly emotional reaction to this purge...

30 days

I feel depressed.
The show I just watched was terribly sad, a 30 days episode about jail. It made me think about how completely useless many of the jails are, and how society has failed so many people, and plain wishing drugs just didn't exist.
It's incredible that somebody could spend 15 to 50 in and out of jail.
And that somebody could be grateful to be in jail so they can finally get off heroine.
And that there really isn't any help for many people either while they're in jail or the day they step out.

I'm afraid this show has put me in a bad mood, wanting to shake my fist at "the man" because I don't have a solution.

Yuck.

dreaming Katie's life now.

I had this dream last night that I'm unwilling to post,
but, this is insane:
I told Katie the dream this evening and she told me an aspect of my dream was her reality recently.
Whaaaaaaat?

We are so on the same wavelength. Always.

bwahahahaha!

I feel like an ENORMOUS dork lying in bed in the dark cracking up.
I'm here doing internet things, and I tried changing my status on facebook to "Carissa Mann may be moving to the city which is, most importantly, the world's largest sunglasses manufacturer."
That is normal.

What is not normal, and is HILARIOUS, is that I accidentally posted it on a friend's wall, a friend I hardly know.
So, essentially it's as though, out of the blue, I said to him, "may be moving to the city which is, most importantly, the world's largest sunglasses manufacturer."
As though he knew what the hell I was talking about!

I keep imagining myself saying this out loud to him. Random. Weird. and way too funny to keep to myself.

beautiful.

Today I woke up and joined Leila and Marzieh in the living room.
Leila and I spoke for hours about all sorts of things while Marzieh slept on her chest, occasionally jiggling and grunting. Then we went on a walk in the mild Seattle mist.
It was a pretty awesome day.

And after Shaun got home from work they spoke about plans to move to Denver. I went on another walk with an inch think ipod of theirs in tow, and after the mist became heavier walked back. The topic of moving was still in the air went I got back.
Leaving Washington. That means none of us will be living in this state any longer...at least once I move this summer. That's crazy, and I suppose the beginning of a new era for the Mann family.
Related to Denver, they spoke about the possibility of getting a dog.
Which made me think about the husky I so desperately want to have one day.
I mean seriously, how could you resist these eyes?

babies.

I got to Seattle yesterday afternoon, and hung out with Justin, Shaun, Leila, and baby Marzieh.
So far I've learned babies are calmed by black and white images, they look cute in layers of color and pattern with an emphasis on the leggings and gigantic cheeks, Marzieh's first word will most likely be "irrelevant" or something equally fluent, how to bathe a baby without drowning it or causing infection, and that carl sagan can help you sleep after being woken by the crying of the aforementioned cute baby.

I'd say that's a lot for less than 24 hours.

And now I'm taking a few minutes to be by myself while the socializing continues in the living room with Alex and Amelia who are also going to be raising a baby soon.
It's a little weird being around people not that much older than peers raising the next generation. And though I know it's years away, I can feel now that it's something I certainly want to do too and am absolutely not dreading it.

this is weird.

but I am copying and pasting from my mother's e-mails onto this blog.
I want them to be documented here for safe keeping so I can come back to see them later.
Plus, I wanted you guys to see this:

"Jose's wife Georgette commented on our tea set a while ago and was hoping we could find her one from china. Well, she and Jose came by a couple of weeks ago to see if we could provide any work for Jose because he needed to desperately send money to family in Mexico - his nephew has disappeared and his wife is left with a small baby and trying to find out if he's been killed or taken as a soldier - it's really scary and out of control there right now. Anyway, she asked if we had had any luck finding a tea set. So, we went online and bought one for her, and didn't exactly lie, but when we gave it to her we said that our son was in the country on a business trip from china so that she wouldn't think we had just bought it for her. When we gave it to her, and told her she didn't owe us anything, that it was a gift, she said "You don't understand, you have fulfilled a childhood dream of mine!" which I sort of thought she was just being nice, then today she called and said "When I was growing up we were extremely poor and I would look in magazines and see these beautiful china dolls and would dream about someday having a real chinese tea set, and now you guys have made that dream come true, you can't imagine how much that means to me." and then she went on to tell me about the table she has it sitting on and how proud of it she is, it's just all been too much. And it has nothing to do with money, cause she has worked 20 plus years as a teacher, she could easily have spent $30 to buy a tea set.

anyway, that's our tea set story, it makes me realize how much we have in life to be thankful for"

and this:

"'bought myself some pants with holes in the crotch.' - really???????

I hope this is a typo!"

I'm almost done!

This quarter was tough, next is going to be tougher, and this break is absolutely necessary.
Which makes me absolutely grateful for it.


And to begin celebrating before the last final, I hung out with two verrrry cool people in my life last night. Continuing with the celebration, I am waking up to Boys II Men and Kanye.

P.S. Mom, they've got fabric tea sets (and fabric tool sets) for kids...but I may do it anyways, because it's still a fantastic idea.

Ghanaian girl

I dreamt I was on the coast with my family, a dog, and some extra people. All adults.
We were sitting on this structure made of many layers of docks, some creaky and small, some entire platforms. Shaun had a very long fragile stick that he loved. He set it down for a moment and somebody picked it up and accidentally snapped it.
They left it there for him to find, too ashamed to admit their fault.
Shaun found it and was annoyed. He searched around trying to find the culprit, while I watched, knowing who had done it. I felt guilty, but also powerless.

Later I was living in a wooden cabin. There was a communal living space. It must have been a college setting because we were learning things and making things. There was a white room that I entered with a huge fabric sculpture in it. It was a project I was working on. I leaned into it, and looked down. I was meant to figure out how to sew it a specific way to follow the guidelines of the project. David Wall came over and looked. He gave me some advice and then left. I was grateful and began doing more work on it. I was scraping fur off of the fabric with a razor.

Then an African girl came in the white room where I was working. She was wearing a head wrap, long sleeve shirt, and a skirt that reached her feet. Her skin was almost black. We began talking and she expressed a concern that she wasn't happy being there. We spoke about her reasons, and finally she admitted to really hating Bellingham and everything about it. I suggested she move to Seattle because, I assumed Ghana, where she was from, must have been "more of a hustle bustle city like Seattle is" compared to here. She said "actually no, I lived in a village." "Oh. Well, still, you would probably like Seattle better." Then I advised she look into transfering because that wouldn't be too complicated and she wouldn't need to spend a bunch of money moving far away, or applying, and she wouldn't have to suffer staying here any longer.
She appreciated the advise. While we spoke we exited onto the porch. She told me it was newly added to the cabin. She explained that was why the mother and two kids looking at us timidly through the window pane to our side weren't coming out onto the porch. They were nervous of it, and didn't trust it.
I thought that was very odd, and primitive, then I woke up.

continued.

So these are what I've done for my sculpture class (excluding the bottles which were for experimental drawing, and including the dreamspace from before).
I'm most excited about this freezer.
And am planning to continue with soft sculpture made of used clothing next quarter in installation. I may play with the idea of creating entire settings using these materials (without the wooden frames). Settings like people seated a table with coffee, that sort of thing.

If there's anything you would like to see re-created in fabric let me know, and I might try. :)

this quarter's art

China!

I'm totally actually going to move there. For serious.
I'm going to live with Katy.

But, I don't know what city.

Also, I need to keep realistic about this. I need to remember it takes time to settle in, it takes time to learn Chinese, it takes time to feel comfortable teaching English.
And I probably will be apart from an art world for a while. Remember that, Carissa, remember that...you can get back to it. You can visit Beijing, you can work on things on your own. It will work out. And it will be a fantastic adventure.

Alright, I'm kind of excited about this. And kind of absolutely terrified.

just dreamin'

I dreamt I had to play a part, in a huge play, but the full character of the my role hadn't been revealed to me yet.
I was in a room with ladies who were setting me up with a disgusting man. The man was clearly unworthy of my character so I treated him as such.
Then another, rambunctious man walked into the same little room--which was now a bathroom. As he walked in I was putting on more layers of makeup. Powder was flying through the air and I tried ignoring his presence by looking into the mirror at my eyes, putting eye shadow on.
He was very assertive, and male chauvinist, but he was charming. He sat down in a swivel chair and pulled me down to sit on his lap. I was wearing a Victorian style dress with frills and layers. We fit perfectly seated together. It was extremely comfortable.
He swiveled us around the room, pointing at paintings that he'd done which portray the superiority of the male gender. (He was an actor from the Upfront that I recognized. I remember thinking I wanted to tell him after our skit how much I enjoyed his show a couple months ago.) I felt my character should be angry at him for his pompousness, but I didn't know any of my lines so I mostly stayed silent and let him go on and on.
He tried feeding me one of my lines but I didn't know it at all. It felt terrible not knowing anything while he was streaming off paragraphs.
So I continued to sit there with him, and he began pointing out how terrible a few paintings done by women were, and how they were devoid of the masculinity that makes it powerful.

At another point I had to walk to an appointment. It was a long ways away from town, but I spoke with my parents over the phone and they said they would pick me up. So I went ahead. It was night by the time the meeting was done. I had to go to the gym they referred me too. As I walked from the office to the gym I realized it was already 11 pm, and my parents wouldn't be able to pick me up. But it was pitch black outside and there were hardly any street lamps. I was scared walking down the sidewalks but did it anyways. I arrived at the gym and there was a group of men loitering outside smoking cigarettes around a small raised garden box. They were all intimidating.
I called my parents and dad answered. I woke him up and he said "No Carissa! Of course we can't pick you up out there. That's too far. That would take us at least an hour!" then he hung up.
I clearly was upset, and unsure of how I would get home. I couldn't walk the whole way back. I wanted to call back and say that instead I'll sleep on the steps outside the gym and how I'm sure they'd love to know their daughter is on the streets like a homeless person, but I didn't.
The men began to harass me. Not physically, but with their words. They were making seriously crude remarks about an abstract woman, but then they would look my direction and smirk. It was horrible. I stood there letting them do that for a while,
then it was the next day,
and my parents along with hundreds of people came to the gym.
We were told to line up single file around a vast swimming pool and do certain stretches.
We all were getting bored, so all of a sudden a middle-age woman, wearing a baby yellow full body bathing suit, across the pool from me began to belt out a song. She was not a good singer, but she was bored enough not to care.

Then I woke up.

askfsnflsdf

This is pretty personal, and may seem inconsequential, but along with everything else in my life, I am posting this thought:
I am so happy to genuinely say I am friends with someone I used to date. I didn't think I would every be in this place. I always assumed it couldn't work, and others advised me of how terrible it would be, but no. It works. He's my friend, and that's all. And it's awesome.

Also, I need to note how great it was to work in the sculpture studio for eight hours yesterday afternoon>evening with Maia, and later Glenn and Matt.
Art finals can be really sweet when sewing fake food with friends around.

Dreams were really choppy and insubstantial because of that damn Monster drink I had when we were working in the studio, so I don't have anything to add in that respect.

I guess that's all for now.

to justify listening to Scream.

This shouldn't get to me as much as it is, but I don't feel trusted by me real-estate company. Should I need to feel trust from a corporation to be happy? Probably not.
But I do need it, I need it from everyone, and I've heard corporations are considered humans under the law, so.

"Why Landmark won't you trust my judgment? Why won't you listen to me and agree I don't owe you any more money than I've already paid? I don't owe you 200 dollars! I swear it! And more importantly, why don't we talk anymore?"

Everything was dandy this morning, I felt so free and happy, walking through the sunshine with a promising day ahead, sending in an art application with hopes of being accepted, then Landmark. Landmark ruined it all, and all I want to do is scream out my frustration.
Maybe I'll just listen to this song instead. It will surely make it all better:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vNl2Pm9-7Vk

tonight, tonight (referencing Smashing Pumpkins, incase that wasn't clear.)

Today must be the full moon,
because I went to Wal-Mart, and the perfect place for out of the ordinary is on the night of a full moon.

It was maybe the third time I've been into a Wal-Mart, first time in Bellingham.
And I realized it is the only place here I haven't felt a part of an overwhelmingly racially homogeneous town. There were hispanic and Chinese people there. Seeing them first made me happy, you know, to see people that weren't exactly like me, then it made me angry and sad and self-conscious because all i could think of was the economic divide that breaks up this town racially. Scratch that: breaks up this country racially.


On a far less serious and depressing note, after we--Rochelle and I--were done shopping as we drove home I exasperated, "we should drive somewhere, just keep driving to...somewhere."
"Okay!" Rochelle responded quickly and eagerly.
"But I mean like another state." I said skeptical her eagerness would follow.
"Let's go to Oregon!" she replied clearly actually into the idea.
...
"or we could drive Chuckanut!" she continued, offering a more realistic destination.
"Okay."

So we drove off into the night, didn't find Chuckanut Drive, but found some other road. We drove and drove, listening to Classical music. I watched the moon and recorded the sound of us on our miniature road trip on my new Wal-Mart voice recorder. It was art.

it's a record!

FOUR posts in ONE day...
that's a little much. I agree, but I have to post a link to this video that Evan made. He used a rinky dink very old camera that only records at 20 second intervals.
(I'm in it too! for like a split second.)

Check it out!

http://www.facebook.com/ext/share.php?sid=69165476784&h=I04Q9&u=VV3nr

these things are cool:

1. Rainn Wilson talking with Oprah about God and religion:
http://www.oprah.com/article/spirit/inspiration/pkgoprahssoulserieswebcast/20090309_oradio_oss_rwilson

2. Glenn, wearing a plaid shirt, leaning out of a moving vehicle pointing at me.

3. The fact that I didn't die after getting on stage this morning for the monologue. (I stood there, looked out at the lights and all that came out was "shit" in replacement for my forgotten first line.
But after a moment, I remembered, and from remembering on it went really well. It actually felt fantastic once I started. I almost want to audition for a spring quarter play...maybe? maybe...maybe)

4. That this is my third post today. I love this bloggin' thing.

wait a second...!

"Is that SNOW outside my window????!!!!"

"Yes, indeed it is."

maybe i should rename the blog "my dreams: often boring, sometimes not."

Justin (my oldest brother) and I had to swim together across a lake 6 times before we could eat at this group luncheon event.
He rode on my back for one of the laps and it was surprisingly easy.

A group of friends were organizing old clothes. An enormous heap of old clothes which were resting in a living room sized crate. I stood watching for a while, but then Moe suggested I make another clothes sculpture, so I got in and began shoving piles of clothes to the side to build the walls of the structure.
A young Chinese boy and girl were playing around the crate while I was working and, trying to focus, their play was annoying me.
I told them to please be quiet and they wouldn't listen.
I took the boy aside, held his arm, and put my face down to his. I said "you really need to calm down, boy."
"But you're doing it wrong! I don't want you to do it that way anymore! I want you to do it differently. Don't build those triangles like you did on my last one! That's boring!"
"Okay." Fair enough, I thought.
Apparently the last clothing sculpture I made was for him, and he thought I was making this one for him too. Selfish boy.
Little did he know, I was actually making it for his twin sister who, of course, he had an ongoing rivalry with.
I continued to build, then my alarm went off.

In the ten more minutes I opted to sleep I waded through a space filled with blown up colored balloons.
And now I'm realizing how freaking sweet that would be.


p.s. today i've got to perform a monologue and i'm nervous about it. i've tried the lying to myself bit, but that hasn't worked. I actually am nervous.
it's my first monologue.
thank goodness it's for my first class.

sleep laughter

I was sitting at a restaurant with Brice, Vanessa, and some other people. Vanessa was telling a story and I was looking at her. She was sitting on my left. It was about some family member that may be at the music show we were going to after dinner. The story was essentially that whenever they see each other her aunt laughs hysterically and in a peculiar manner...so then Vanessa imitates her laugh. It's pretty much just a loud and repetitive laugh. I think it's the funniest thing on Earth and laugh along with her.
Then I try to imitate the laugh myself and it comes out sounding like the sputtering of a bad exhaust pipe. Vanessa gives me a really-Carissa?-that-was-terrible look and I crack up!
Out. Loud.
I wake up from my own laughter.


Later I was visiting Sebrina, Justin, and Madison in their new apartment. It was at the top of a very steep hill made of apartments. They lived in a basement with a view of the ocean. Madison was really good at climbing down stairs. One instant she'd be next to you, the next, at the bottom of a long flight of stairs looking up with glee and pride.

Also I was walking with two people on a dark sidewalk. There was somebody following us. Occasionally they would beam a bright flashlight on our backs, and continue following us. I turned around and gripped arms, allowing them to carry me so I could look straight at the person while they beamed their light. I thought it may intimidate them away. But it didn't. They followed us for a really long time, and eventually I suggested we go faster because it felt they were catching up with us. And I noted, they look stubby, so I'm sure they can't move fast.
We began to run.
We ran for a long time,
I was following the woman in the group who was a superhero of sorts.
Following her, we had to run horizontally across a brick wall, and jump into a two inch wide slot in such a way our bodies would fit through.
It was terrifying and exhausting, but we eventually lost the person,
or at least,
I woke up before they found us...

Today in Fairhaven,

a young girl asked me if I had a baby.
It was weird.
I felt like I should, and almost lied to her.

sometimes dreams crack me up.

I dreamt of receiving a frantic e-mail from Taylor pleading me to help him escape Disneyland.

surreal.

I fainted today and was convinced for a moment I was going to die.

I had a severe pain in my lower back, got off the couch, walked across the room, then keeled over in pain. I tried to find a position on the floor that would make it stop. It wouldn't. I kept moving positions and nothing would work. I began to sweat and cry. Recognizing being on the floor wasn't helping any, I got up and walked back towards the couch,then opened my eyes and saw I was on the floor with two chairs and a lamp fallen over beside me.

I got up, fell onto the couch, and lied there for a moment. My ears were buzzing really loudly to the point of not being able to hear anything else.
That and the pain went away after a couple more minutes,and then I cried. hard.
And called my parents.

I went to see the doctor, who is also the man I used to work for as a receptionist. Everyone at that clinic are beautiful and they treated me like family. It was the most pleasant doctor experience you could possibly have.
I'm getting some tests done, but essentially, the doctor said the fainting was because of the pain, but he doesn't know the reason for the pain.

I'm not worried anymore knowing I've got a doctor that cares. And feel physically absolutely fine, but it was a really scary afternoon.

thankyou dad.

my father just sent me this photo.
these are the two young kits, the unexpected offspring of Bandit.

aren't they the cutest things you've ever seen????

i just remembered some dream.

Sweet!
I had a ferret.
I was living by myself in a perpetually dark apartment, and spent a lot of time on the floor, with my ferret.
It had dark fur with a white stripe across its eyes-the cutest kind of ferret there is. (just like the one in the picture, and just like Bandit, the ferret I had living in Israel)
It was super nice. So nice that a friend came to visit and I explained to her in length how nice it was, in comparison to other ferrets I've owned.
It didn't bite. It's claws were soft, and it snuggled. It was perfect.

I had a stuffed animal that I whipped around on the floor to get the ferret excited and hopping.

Man was it adorable.

yuck.

I feel totally poopy right now.

When my alarm went off my immediate response was a voice of reason in my head saying "nope. your alarm clock is wrong. it is not the time it says it is, nor time for you to wake up."
But that voice was wrong.
And my next thought was "why do I feel so inexplicably sad right now?"
And I don't know why. I must have had some crazy sad dreams because I really feel like I could cry right now, for no clear reason.

The day will get better. I'm sure of it.

I'm having a moment

This is silly.
Sparked by a completely innocent chat now I'm feeling all confused and muddled in my brain.

I know I'm only an undergraduate so I've got the excuse of young age and inexperience to shield me from the judgment of others...but that shield doesn't work against myself.
So I feel like I should know what I'm doing with my art.
But I don't.
And that's stressing me out.
And it shouldn't.
But I simply, can't help it.

Some times there are these times, when there's nothing I can do to tell myself it's okay even though I know it is.
What I need is someone or something else to reassure me, it really is okay...
You don't have to figure it ALL out.
ever.

good morning Bellingham

so the fast went well yesterday. i've taken the chance to cut back on coffee so most of the day was somewhat unfocused with a looming headache and need for sleep.
but i wasn't terribly hungry...and i guess even if i were, that's not the point?
anyway,
it feels really good to have committed to something fully, to have a strict schedule, and to see that the sun is rising earlier and setting later every day.
it's about time that you come out to play sun, it's about time.

on another note, Maia came over last night to watch the film Lost in Beijing with me. we did that, and were terribly disturbed. everyone in that film is screwy and all they do is disrespect themselves and each other the ENTIRE film. i kept finding myself gawking at the laptop screen in shock and disapproval. Maia's face was composed but clearly focused intently on their misdeeds.
anyway, if you want to watch four Chinese people constantly being jerks to one another, you should watch it. otherwise, don't.

Maia slept over because busing home in the evenings is never fun. She slept in my dreamspace, I on the futon because of this early morning noise. I was awake most of the night for some reason, lying there happily awake. I really have no clue why. But the whole time, and now, after waking, I feel a comfort in knowing a friend is here.
I hope she's having interesting, memorable dreams right now.

where i will get my MFA.

Firstly, I am awake earlier than 6 am. That is not crazy, because I'm doing the Baha'i Fast, which means only eating and drinking before the sunrises and after the sunsets. Also, sleep wasn't happening because of the INSANE bluster outside and the CRAZY COOL imagery I had in this dream:

I was going to check out a new university I planned to attend. Really stoked on it, I entered nervously ecstatic, but that changed quickly.
The walls were pristine white and tiled floors shiny with a recent buffing. No students were in sight and it was silent. The ceilings were high, with classical detailing...which I'll admit was beautiful, but not the familiar grunge of an art school I was expecting.

I wanted to find the art department and there were no signs anywhere. The campus felt vast. I went into one of the classrooms as a group of students were taking their seats. The professor was seated at a desk in the front of the room. It was clearly a geology class--the professor was lanky with a curly poof of hair and he made nervous gestures paired with erratic eye movements.
I stood in line with a few others waiting to speak with him as he jotted things down on a pile of papers on his desk.
Feeling urgency, I skipped a couple people in line, leaned in towards him, and said "Excuse me! Where is the art department?" with an attitude that has only come from my mouth in real life with my parents, when i'm grumpy.
"Oh. young lady. i have no idea! does this school even have an art department???" he replied genuinely unsure.
"uh. yeah?"
Then he went on to continue writing things on papers.

I left, feeling frustrated and rejected. Looking around I could tell it would take a lot to get along with the students around me. A lot. I wasn't their type, and they weren't mine. They were all too clean---is what I remember thinking.

So I continued searching down the white halls passing by blank after blank poster board, and went outside. My mom was with me, in a wheelchair? she was also someone else...She suggested to walk through the garden and see if it was on the other side.
I did, and found it.
But.
There were three different gate entries to get into the art complex and I didn't know how to get into any of them. They each required a different puzzle or special maneuver. Finally after a few tries, I got into the metal door by pushing at a particular angle.
Immediately upon walking in I knew this was the place for me. People were wearing lose sweaters and each had their own mess of a hairdo and loose walk that communicated they could care less. I walked up to the main building which was a medieval bell tower. A man was standing there. I introduced myself. He was friendly, and the dean of the department. Students around were smiling.
I walked through a hall and came to door, passed through it, and saw an entire building facade made with play-doh. It was the coolest. thing. ever.

Oh, and this school. I remember having the distinct understanding it was in Australia...even though upon waking I realize that's not a place i've considered going for a long time.


Later I overheard Barack Obama explaining to a few men how important the oval office is. How he must do everything in there, including get his daily exercise, eat his picnics, and make his decisions. A very important place, he repeated, then turned to enter and close the door behind him.

p.s. this oatmeal is terrible.
note to self: must find better morning food.

pregnant in China

I slept twelve entire hours last night. That's a lot. And now I feel hazy with a thick fog of something lingering on my brain.

But, I remember some dream stuff.
I was pregnant and Leila (my sister-in-law) was with me. We were in a doctor's office and I thought, "How did I end up here? I guess it's too late to make plans to give birth at home!" A man came in with the regular doctor garb and as I lay on a table with my knees up and legs spread he picked up something off the counter. He turned and I saw it in his hand. While he spoke with Leila I gawked at this thing. It looked like a nightguard for your teeth but four times bigger and with a handle and clamp. He saw me looking and made a comical face that expressed he knew it was a crazy contraption but that's just the way it is with birthing...
So he came over to me and propped me open with it. This would create an easier canal for the baby to travel through. But, baby wasn't ready.
I lied there waiting for baby to come out but she was still. I didn't have any contractions. We were all bored, so we went on our way.

Later I was still pregnant, but now in China.

Later my parents and I were traveling by car through a rough rocky landscape. We stopped in a few places and had a tour guide, a creepy creepy tour guide, who kept explaining how people had died in a variety of locations. A few other people were with us. At one point I sat on a moist rock just above the beginning of an enormous waterfall. The mist was covering me, but I could see that three young people were in the water at the edge of the waterfall. The tour guide was speaking and suddenly, the young boy dove straight into the water, in effect killing himself as he plunged to the depths of the fall.

Later we were arriving in China. We entered a large square and went straight to a passport control office at the other end. A woman showed us each individually a bronze object which meant we had to sign something, then give her a dollar. Then we were set. I may have still been pregnant.

(Leila, I think I dreamt about your pregnancy. But I also think pregnancy was a symbol here of a new beginning, since it was sort of paired with dreams of China...interesting)