phlegm.

I've been dreaming, but not posting.
My mind has been on other things, like school, school, school, friends, the sunshine, and now a stupid cough...which has got me realizing just how uncommon a cough is for me.
And how grateful I am for that, because it hurts.

I went to the clinic today on campus. Was there 3 hours, and had to wear a face mask the whole time. The swine flu thing has some justified fears wafting around. It was an interesting experience though being the only one in a waiting room of peers, trying to do my homework and not paying any mind to how unusual I looked with that ginormous mask plastered over my face, only allowing my eyes and hair to be seen.
It was probably unsettling to them. It was just warm and stuffy for me.

Anyway, I don't have the flu. They checked, so I'm not going to die.
And now I'm just counting down the hours until I can drink some of this codeine cough medicine they gave me. I've put all of my hopes into this bottle of medicine because no sleep for two nights of coughing has made me near desperate for this magical substance that I assume will knock me out.

Also, I've realized how impatient I am with sickness. Maybe it's because I'm young. Or maybe it's just because I'm an impatient person.
I don't know.
But what I do know is anytime i'm sick I try to tell myself it's in my head, that i'm not actually sick and can go to the gym, can go work on things, can go dance...then realize i'm having these thoughts while half-asleep with a pounding headache and hoarse cough every two minutes, otherwise motionless on the couch. No, Carissa, you cannot go out dancing tonight.
This impatience I'm afraid is going to make for a difficult aging process.

In other news, Katy and I are still looking for jobs in China. I applied to a few more the other day and haven't heard anything back yet.
We're aiming for Tianjin or Xiamen.

Salvador Dali on a game show!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iXT2E9Ccc8A

man,

I hate disappointment because it's all my fault, and it just plain sucks.

Because of it, right now I'm super sad and want out but seem to have got myself stuck.

tree

Tonight Katie helped me clothe the tree.
And that's how it looked about two hours ago.
:)

art, art, art.

I'm almost done sewing the clothes together. Today/tonight I'm gonna try putting it on the tree, fingers crossed I measured well and it'll work out.

Also, I've found a place for my sculptures. This e-mail was going around the art department about an art auction raising money for a local middle school. So, I'm gonna contribute the washing machine, freezer, and dreamspace.
I suppose it's not professional since I wouldn't be making any money off of them, but I think it's a good solution.
I'd really like someone to have them.

I'm really feeling this fabric thing. It's surprisingly un-crafty even though the materials would be considered so. I just need to stick with it and not flake out so that ideas will progress.
All I'm wondering now is whether once I move to China it'll still seem appropriate. I mean, one of the major reasons I'm doing this is because of the excessive amounts of clothes that go unused here.

p.s. I feel like a crazy person right now, really really crazy. I think it's because of the weird sleep schedule I've fallen into.

catch-up.

I haven't posted in a while, but that doesn't mean I haven't blogged.
I just failed to upload them before they became completely irrelevant.

Yesterday I flipped out. Mom, Maia, Rochelle, and Jeremy can attest to that.
But after talking with mom who is much more at ease than me pretty much all of the time, then putting on a Popsicle dress, I calmed down.
Got to see a sweet artist speak about her art.
Then went straight home and began sewing clothes together to fit a local tree.

Alisha called while I was doing that, and of course I had to tell her what I was doing when she asked "what's up" and of course I got a laugh and some sisterly teasing. She suggested not just wrap clothes around a tree, but makes clothes for a tree, with sleeves and all. I thought about that (first I might add ;)) and may do it if this works out. She also suggested adding a belt...I don't know about that Alisha. Tacky!

Anyway, talked to her for a good long hour or so. It's so cool when you've got a sibling you can talk to and get along with...one that occasionally made you want to destroy things.

Later watched some Spaced, a British show. Parents, you'd probably like it. Not sure what was really happening. 4 episodes in and the plot hadn't thickened yet, but it was still entertaining.

OH MY GOD. I just remembered that last night in my dream Oprah called me. She called me accidentally thinking it was an old friend of hers. She needed help with some issue, and decided I could help her even though I wasn't who she had expected. She came to where I was and Maryann, Vanessa, and I, as we tried not revealing or awe, walked her around town, giving helpful pointers.
She was really short.

not so good dreams.

I think it's funny that after posting all of that about relationships I had a dream of confessing my love to someone.
Er, actually, now that I think about it, I'm not sure if I ever actually confessed it. I was about to at least.

I sat with his friend talking and eventually he asked what was going on with he and I. I admitted to my feelings, and the friend was so happy. We sat there for a while, him smiling, me surprised and encouraged that he was smiling.

Then the guy came over. There was a table with bottles covering it. I was trying to arrange it in a certain way to take a photograph. It was wobbling all over the place. I turned to do something and he had cleared the table, thinking that was helpful. I got slightly annoyed and told him that's in fact the opposite of help, but at the same time felt appreciative of his effort, and didn't really care at all because I loved him too much.
Then we went walking somewhere.
Busy streets with vendors and a public vegetable market.
We stopped at one to buy some noodles. There were cots set up in front of the vendor to lie down in while you ate, so I lied down and waiting for the order. He came and lied down beside me. It felt perfectly comfortable but also not, because I felt I may never be able to say something to him...and if that was true, then I shouldn't anyway. It was a calm but unsettling realization.


Later I was in a room with a sort of shallow platform built into the wall twenty feet above the ground. It was attached to a slide.
I climbed up on something to get on it. I navigated with difficulty onto and across the thing, nearly falling the entire time, my legs dangling over the edge.
That was pretty scary and pointless.

Also, right before waking, I had a really disturbing dream. A guy I didn't love, or really even care about at all, got me pregnant. A thousand thoughts ran through my mind, all revolving around anxiety and hatred and guilt. I didn't want a baby yet. It ruined every plan. And not with him! I was sitting on my bed. He was walking back into the room, arrogantly and completely unaware of the situation he put me in, and there was another guy-a man-standing in my room beside me. He was trying to console me. He was level-headed and supportive, but I sat there screaming all of the horrible things this meant.
After a good long whirlwind of terror I finally convinced myself I had been dreaming and it was okay. I could just wake up and everything would be fine.

Now I'm awake and thankfully not pregnant with in illegitimate and unwanted baby, nor troubled by the secret love I can't admit, or dangling from a twenty foot ledge.

another post.

Another project: putting clothes on trees. i'm not sure the way it's going to work yet. i'm thinking of going out and measuring "good" trees and sewing the clothe together at home, then going out and wrapping them and sewing the edges together around the tree at night.
the idea of a sort of secret vandalism is exciting, and i've already got Maia and Jeremy somewhat interested in joining me.

Another thought: i'm reading this book with the word LOVE plastered across it's front in huge bold letters. the reason i'm reading this book, chock-full of cynicism and praise of rational thought over emotion, is to remind myself to think of love soberly. that is difficult.
i tend to love people, sometimes i'm afraid, too easily. i daydream about the things we can do together in the future, the way every detail will happen. i relish in the thought of loving the things about them that go unappreciated.
and recently i've found myself wanting someone to build a tiny fortress of a relationship with. reflecting on it, i'm afraid the reason is to feel more secure with my move to China...maybe i want someone to love that will either a)come on the adventure with me, or b)wait eagerly for my return.
this is a self-centered and foolish reason for wanting a relationship.


Another awesome thing that happened: Maia and i are currently at the Swan Cafe. a few hours ago we arrived and were talking about culture shock. she asked where i lived before coming here. i told her Leavenworth for a summer, and then we laughed for a while, joking about how crazy that place is. there was a guy sitting to my left. maia mentioned red necks in small town America. she asked if there were red necks in leavenworth. i said i don't know, if there are they're disguised: red necks in bavarian clothing.
the man took an opportunity to enter our conversation a couple minutes later, and said before leaving, "and by the way, i love that "red necks in bavarian clothes comment, i'm gonna tell my buddy that one!"
nice.
spread the imagery.

gotta get thru this

Daniel Bedingfield:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b4eMyOzD9UI

Watch it, listen to it, wiggle and shimmy to it, and love it.
That's a command.

Alright, back to work.

and life goes on, as usual.

Last night my dream consisted of a hideous rash on my legs--big bright bumpy red spots covering them both, each bump with a thistle protruding out the middle.
I sat on the floor, resting on a bare wall, legs stretched out in front of me, pulling the thistles out and discarding them to the side.
Disgusting.

I also was determined to kill a man. I waited for him in a hallway, stumbling around trying to find the proper weapon, finding mostly duds or toy guns. Aware none of them would work, I still stood at the end of the hall with a door slightly ajar in front of me to hide behind, legs bent, prepared to pounce or shoot.
I was really going to kill him.
Disturbing.

And in real life, last night I watched a portion of Silent Hill...probably the reason for my icky dreams.
Also, went to see a rock/metal band made of mostly friends. They were awesome, and next time I'll do the full-on head banging with my mane like Glenn suggested. That would be incredibly fun, at least for a few minutes.
After that we went to 80s night. I ran into an old "friend." That portion of the evening I could have done without. But we made some new friends so it was fun overall.

Then today, oh today. I've got this art history reading to wade through. Seriously, wade, like through some gelatinous substance. Jello. No, something more sticky. Maple syrup, the really thick kind, dripped straight from the tree into a jar.
The thing is I literally spent 6 hours reading that article. It's a total of 30 pages and I'm not done yet. 6 hours! That is insane. Have I become a sloth, moving at the speed of,if I may use the same metaphor, maple syrup?
Hopefully not. I'd rather say it's a personally unprecedented determination to try to understand everything in this class. It's a stupid confidence thing I think.

A stupid confidence thing that I unfortunately really need at the moment.

goodnight.

when i was a child i used to think about monsters before falling asleep, and now i think about moving to china.
i'm not sure which is scarier.


on another note, there is more to life than this (as Bjork might sing).

new project.

I plan to build a house using the same method as the washing machine, freezer, and dreamspace.
It'll be a small house.
I want to put it in the greenspace in front of the art building, then live in it for a week or longer.

I feel like it's a safe installation since it's on campus, and being in front of the art building makes it especially so...but still, I'm totally excited about it.

I'll be collaborating with Maia, and for the nights she doesn't want to sleep with me I'm going to ask other friends to...because i'm sure it'll be a little scary in there at night.

I'm as excited about this as the dreamspace, so hopefully it'll come out okay.

I had a moment,

this morning, in my Architecture and Museums class.

We were discussing a quote from an article read for class and she wrote the quote: "Ideology represents the imaginary relationship of individuals to their real conditions of existence."

She offered it up as a sort of explanation to help us think about the term "ideology." I spoke first, giving my convoluted and spastic interpretation of it's meaning.
And it felt fantastic.

Last quarter I couldn't fully grasp anything we were studying in the same professor's class. And now, in this presumably more difficult course, I'm getting it, and speaking in class.

So the moment was, in part feeling giddy and excited about the beginnings of a discussion on existential though, and part a feeling of accomplishment.

Leaving class today I overheard two guys behind me: "Man, I am not understanding a word in that class dude."
"Yeah, me neither."
I wanted to whip around and say "hey! it's okay! that's exactly how i felt every class last quarter...just read the sentences over and over until they make some sense. sometimes i have to read them four times until i understand, but it's totally worth it. you won't feel so out of place and depressed. try it, really."
but reality got the better of me, and I kept walking.

floating

dream:
last night i was on campus. i was either holding something that floats or i was standing on something that levitates. it was unclear, but either way i was floating around red square holding it/on it. i was just looking around.
i noticed a picnic table with a group of people sitting posed for a picture on it. A young boy looked nearly exactly like Jeremy but younger. I was like, "whoa" in my mind.
Then I saw Jeremy was behind him, so it was his younger brother, and there was an older lady and man, and a girl, so I assumed they were posing for a family photo.

Then I saw this lady wandering towards me with the same facial hair as Jeremy, and his younger brother. I looked to the right and saw a few more people with that same hair drawn onto their faces. I thought, "there must be some facial hair celebration today I didn't know about."

I floated away.

I floated over the stairs exiting red square and up the brick path. I realized if I moved my arms in a certain way I could make it go higher. I did that and gradually went up and up. I looked down at the people below, all watching me, stunned at my new skill.
Then I lost control. It kept going higher and higher without me directing it. I held on tight. My grip was getting moist with sweat. I looked around me and I was past the height of the all the buildings and trees, approaching the clouds. I wanted to break it or let myself off but I knew I would fall to a painful death, so instead I held on and went higher and higher until I didn't exist anymore.


Later, I was in this labyrinth of a home with family. I went to use the bathroom, which had plastic sheet walls. As I left, Chris was there. He was really upset about something, then I saw Jeremy was there too. He was trying to make Chris feel better about some girl problems he was having. They finished their conversation and Jeremy patted him on the back, then he and I walked down the hall to another room where my family was.
The things that happened are mostly still really fuzzy, but I do remember being in a room with Jeremy and my sister. He was lying on a mattress on the floor under blankets, back propped up against the wall. She was seated on a chair with her legs crossed, leaning down towards him. And I was sitting cross-legged at the foot of the bed. I was mostly listening and my sister was mostly questioning. She asked him what he planned to do with his life. And the reply was simply, "make web comics."
All the while they were talking I had my hand rested on his foot. (Which is strange because of my general dislike for feet.)
But that contact allowed us to communicate without words. When he answered her question I communicated happiness and support and he responded with calmness and confidence.
My sister at first was doubtful, but then she realized that was silly, and smiled.

the semi truck.

Today I tried painting the dream I had last night. It was an epic failure.
The dream was kinda cool though...

I was with a crowd of people, all of them friends, maybe school mates.
I looked up in the sky to watch the clouds roll by. Everything was relaxed and serene.
As I looked, appreciating the beauty, I saw a semi-truck flying up, exactly in my line of vision. It didn't have wings, but it was flying.
It flew nearly straight up, sped up and continued, then screeched to a halt. Slowly the semi did a flip like a jet might in a airflight show. It became a truck with an extended back, carrying a bunch of large tires. I could see the tires because now the truck was upside down thousands of feet above me.
Then after a moment of being still up there, it plummeted to the ground. All I could see was the stream of color it left behind as it fell.
Watching this incited terror in me.

After a breathe, I turned to a girl on my right and said "Did you see that?" still shell shocked, speaking timidly.
She hadn't. I explained it to her and she flipped out. At first she was carefree and didn't believe me, then it hit her. I was telling the truth.
This was a disaster and it was serious. I woke up feeling the dread.


The only other dream I remember from this weekend was of chewing on an eraser that I bought the day before. I was frustrated as I knawed on it.
The next day, I went to use it, remembered the dream, then coincidentally struggled for a long time with taking the two plastic wrappings from off it.

i wish i could fly.

Dream:
I was outside waiting for a friend to be done with her security guard shift for the day.
I was all dressed up. To enjoy the sunshine, I lied down on a raised curb beside the sidewalk on a small downtown street.
A group of old friends including Chase Bartee, and his brother Jordan, came out of the restaurant beside where I was.
They didn't see me, but I watched them eagerly. I haven't seen either of them since tenth grade.
They came outside, looked up at the restaurant, went back in and I saw them levitate to the second floor.
I went in after them, hoping to join them at their table, but it was impossible.
I didn't have levitation skills like them.
Sadly, I went back outside to lie back down in the sun.

:(

This happens occasionally, and it's happening right now.

I've got something to say, something I'm sure of, but I'm afraid as soon as I speak it, the words will unravel.