boardwalk jumping.

Yesterday Jeremy and I jumped off the boardwalk at Boulevard.
It was terrifying,
thrilling,
and
satisfying.

It was always one of those things. I've walked the boardwalk a thousand times, each time the weather is nice teenagers would be balancing on the outer edge of the railing, teetering a little before jumping.
I always thought "oh those kids. they're so brave...and young."
Yes, I pretended I was an old woman to justify not doing it myself. It was my age, not a fear of heights that kept me from jumping.

Anyways, Jeremy suggested it. I said no a few times, then yes, because I'm moving away and that's the best time to do things you don't particularly want to do because you won't be in that place with that option pretty soon.
I was scared. But so was he.
Both of us said stupid nonsensical things as we stood, toes dangling off the edge. Both of us had a heart beating like we were doing cardio while standing there, still.
And both of us jumped.

It's not like it's really all that high, but it felt like it was.
And it's not like it was all that big of a deal for me,
but it was.


p.s. the first time, on the way down i screamed louder than i've screamed since childhood tantrums.

moving business.

So far this moving thing has proved to be (practically) easy.
I don't have too many things.
I'm passing over my lease to a fellow, which means I don't have to do the major clean-up at the end of the lease, and I can leave my furniture and kitchen things for him and my current housemate to use.
My bed is a thousand years old and probably rotting through the center so I can throw that away without feeling any guilt.
My desk was very cheap so I can put it out for free.

And I've got a ride to goodwill in exchange for help moving a friend's things so I can get rid of other things unnecessary in China.

The only thing I haven't come to a decision on is my dreamspace, washing machine, and mini-freezer.
I tried craigslist to no avail. And today I called a lady who expressed interest a while back. Hopefully she'll call back.
Otherwise I'd much rather not throw them away.
My only thought is to remove the fabric from the frame of the dreamspace and washing machine, and pack them in my suitcase...? But what am I going to do with their shells later on????
The freezer. I don't know. I like it a lot and don't really want to get rid of it. If I have kids, I want them to have it, but that makes the whole moving thing difficult. Either way, I want a kid to have it. But how?


I hate it, absolutely hate it, when art reminds you how impractical things can be.

So yeah, I've pretty much got all that stuff figured out. The emotional part not so much. The countdown on facebook and suitcase full of clothes on my floor are supposed to help with that.
The visa, not yet. The ticket though, yes.
The goodbyes I'm dreading.
Oh, and I need to figure out the cell phone, internet, and mail...

Stuff!
sometimes you make me want to huff and puff,
and blow you away.

just dreaming some more.

I was having an art show in a hotel lobby.
I was dressed up and schmoozing with the viewers. My paintings were on thick paper, nailed to the walls.

A young handsome guy came to me and told me he was interested in purchasing one of my paintings. I walked with him to the one he wanted. It was beginning to peel off the wall and I didn't understand why he wasn't judging me for my poor installation. I was embarrassed, but pretended it away.
The painting was simple, mostly shades of ochre with minimal form. The paint was thick. I remember thinking it was quite nice, seeing it for the first time in my dream, impressed by my subconscious painting. (not that I could duplicate it in real life.)

Then somebody I hadn't seen in some significant amount of time came walking in, strolling down a ramp into the main lobby. A girl was walking close-by him, with him.
Every thought, every emotion, every part of me focused in on him. I saw his face close-up. I saw the jacket he was wearing, and the way he bobbed side to side as he walked, grounding each step heavily.
I approached him and asked about the girl.
He explained her as a temporary. Just a girl that he was with, but didn't care about, followed up with a "but we'll be together later."
????
We went into a kitchen together and I intended to be angry but only mustered up confusion and hurt.

Later I was back with the guy interested in the painting and the guy just mentioned came by, admiring the painting with that girl in tow. It was painful to hear his compliments as he stood next to what was a stand-in for me, so I walked away, out of the dream entirely.


(Yesterday I was reading about the psychology of love about the varying attachment styles. There were words like trust, betrayal, and commitment being thrown around so I was thinking about what all of that means to me. Then I guess I conjured up this painful little scenario from those thoughts. Yay for emotional nightmares!)

the comfort of nature

Started off with a "moderate to strenuous" hike up the pine and cedar lake trail...on (happy) accident. There was a lot of laughing, at least on my part, because Jeremy, Dana and John are always cracking jokes. Pretty funny ones too.

As we approached the top it felt like we had climbed into the clouds. There was mist everywhere, droplets of it were falling. But it wasn't rain.
It was peaceful and surreal up there.
When we got to one of the lakes there was a notable silence except for the occasional yelling from people on the other side. I wished they weren't there, but that's not fair really. But in the moments when they were quiet there was complete calm.
Then we went to find the viewpoints, and found a large rock that seemed like one of the official look out points. We sat there looking out but it was all mist. Multiple elderly folk came by asking what we should be able to see out there, and to each one we said we had no clue. One of them said her "gut insect" told her it should be a view of the San Juans.
If only she had laughed at her own silly mistake I could have burst out and released the pressure in my chest from my hidden snickering! Gut Insect! That's hilarious.

Anyways, that was all really fun.

Then tonight I went out on an evening stroll by myself and it was also fantastic. I saw the sunset at Boulevard while listening to Cat Stevens on my ipod. As I walked along bobbing my head to his sweet melodies I felt some genuine happiness mixed in with a touch of melancholy. Walking home there was an amazing rainbow.
Rainbow + sunset + cat stevens = incredible.

All in all today was a reminder that nature is healing.
I've been feeling on and off sad, overwhelmed, lonely, and nervous.
But hiking into the cloudy mist, hearing water pitter-patter on leaves, and seeing the sky saturated with deep hues makes everything better.

art cafe

Since graduating I've loved taking photographs, baking and cooking...and am beginning to wonder what the future holds.
As in, how am I going to survive while avoiding a non-job that means nothing to me...that could also include some of the above (plus painting.)
My current ideal future involves owning a gallery or a bakery/cafe, or BOTH.

Doesn't that sound fantastic? I'm sure it would be a hell of a lot of work and generally overtake my life, but what a wonderful thing to do...offer art, food, drinks, and a comfortable spot to sit while listening to the occasional live poet or musician. Ideal.

And the thing is this isn't a new idea. I just keep pushing it away, avoiding it for lack of confidence in being capable of achieving it. In high-school my friends used to say I'd open up an art cafe. Guys, the idea is still alive...

Only thing is I don't know what I need to do in the meantime to move towards approaching this goal.
And I have no clue where to do it.

500 miles

In Freaks in Geeks this one time Nick lip-sings a song to Lindsey. She was entirely put off by it. But honestly since watching that scene like 6 years back, I've wanted someone to sing this Proclaimers song to me.
(It's ridiculous and I have no idea why I'm thinking about this right now,
but strange things don't seem all that strange at the moment because I just got back from watching Bruno...)

When I wake up, well I know i'm gonna be,
I'm gonna be the man who wakes up next to you
When I go out, yeah I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who goes along with you
If I get drunk, well I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who gets drunk next to you
And if I haver, Yeah I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who's havering to you


But I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who walks a thousand miles
To fall down at your door


When I'm working, yes I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who's working hard for you
And when the money, comes in for the work I do
I'll pass almost every penny on to you
When I come home(When I come home), well I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who comes back home to you
And if I grow-old,(When I grow-old) well I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who's growing old with you

But I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who walks a thousand miles
To fall down at your door

da da da (da da da)
da da da (da da da)

Da Da Da Dun Diddle Un Diddle Un Diddle Uh Da

da da da (da da da)
da da da (da da da)

Da Da Da Dun Diddle Un Diddle Un Diddle Uh Da

When I'm lonely, well I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who's lonely without you
And when I'm dreaming, well I know I'm gonna dream
I'm gonna Dream about the time when I'm with you
When I go out(When I go out), well I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who goes along with you
And when I come home(When I come home), yes I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who comes back home with you
I'm gonna be the man who's coming home with you

But I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who walks a thousand miles
To fall down at your door

da da da (da da da)
da da da (da da da)

Da Da Da Dun Diddle Un Diddle Un Diddle Uh Da

da da da (da da da)
da da da (da da da)

Da Da Da Dun Diddle Un Diddle Un Diddle Uh Da

da da da (da da da)
da da da (da da da)

Da Da Da Dun Diddle Un Diddle Un Diddle Uh Da

da da da (da da da)
da da da (da da da)

Da Da Da Dun Diddle Un Diddle Un Diddle Uh Da

And I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who walked a thousand miles
To fall down at your door

...

rant

Alright so I've got to do this.
Today at Boulevard park I was sitting, having a pleasant time in the sunshine with Maryann and Evan behind me slack-lining merrily.

And then.
Two beautiful black women walk into the park, and immediately the group of middle-aged white men sitting at a table near me, eating their steak, began saying things like "oooooh, look at that. come over here ladies. damn." and so on. One, I swear to god, was making smoochy faces towards them.
It took every fiber of my body not to go over there and curse them out.
I hardly ever get mad at people, and I hardly curse, but seriously?! Can you be so oblivious? or can you really be such a jerk that you shamelessly propagate sexism and racism all at once?...when that's exactly what so many people are working so hard to eliminate?!??!!?!?!

I wanted so badly to go over there. So badly. If they had just been a notch louder with their comments I would have. If I thought it would make a difference if I yelled at them, I would have.
Instead I thought about how these women had no clue they were being objectified and cried about it...which also helps nothing.
But what can you do with that anger?
Nothing productive.

So now I'll remember how they look and every time I see a man who resembles them I'm going to have a hard time not judging them. And I regret that.

food.

I dreamt of helping an old lady down a steep slope and along a muddy path into a muddy cave.
It was strange and very vivid.

Also, I've really decided to cook things now. I'm doing it cheaply since I can't seem to find a job, but also making exciting things. Turns out I've got quite a few ingredients in my cabinets I forgot about. :)
Yesterday I made a black eyed pea soup with spinach, shallots, sweet onion, garlic, fresh basil, tomato sauce, and paprika. It was surprisingly delicious. I also made my first good loaf of bread.
Today I'm going to make a polenta dish with eggplant and zucchini.
I'm also going to make carrot muffins and possibly biscotti.

Luckily I'm planning for a potluck tomorrow night so I won't have to eat it all. Plus I've got a friend whose offered up her stomach for my endeavors.

the forecast.

Whenever something great happens, soon after something not great happens.
Whenever I feel an overwhelming happiness, soon after I feel an overwhelming sadness.

I'm beginning to think everything in life balances out in the end, so if you experience a concentrated amount of great the equilibrium is off and to correct itself you have to experience the not so great until the balance is back.

For instance, I had a great four days--was around awesome people, walked in the sun for hours, had two serendipitous meetings, and saw earth-trembling fireworks--then came back to Bellingham and have been generally unhappy. It's been pouring outside the whole time. I can feel the pressure of the sky on and in my body. It's pushing down on my brain making it hard to think, and weighing down my legs and arms so any activity is difficult.

But this is the third day of rain, so if the theory is correct, and the world centers around me and my emotional experience, i predict it should stop raining tomorrow.