also

Tennessee Williams:

"Speak out the broken language of your hearts and we'll supply the sense where it seems to be needed."

"Knocking down walls
with two
blue
brutal
bare fists
clenched over quicksilver
could ever-(tenderly)
could certainly never-enclose
such longing as was my sister's!

How much less night,
fearlessly stating with stars-
that breathless inflection
Forever?"

last night

was pretty cool.

It was Glenn's birthday recently so we went to see some live music then dance. We joined forces with Riley who was also celebrating his birthday. Riley was on ecstasy so it was really interesting speaking with him. (mom, dad, don't worry. just don't. i've never dropped any kind of drug...it's actually the first time i've even been around someone on E) Anyway, at one point I was standing beside him and he looked over at me with a continued eye contact for about a minute and said "Carissa, you're a gorgeous enigma" and I first laughed awkwardly, then said "What?" so he repeated. Then I said "Awwww, thanks, I don't really know what that means but..."
"That means you're a mystery. You're so shy, but then you talk and you have interesting things to say."
"Oh. Thanks!" then I patted him on the shoulder and said, "I know it's the ecstacy talking, but thanks."
"No. no. I've thought this before."
"Haha, okay. thanks."

Then we all went to hear the band.
Which by the way was amazing. They really blew my mind. They were like jazz and funk and metal all at once. They're a local band called Jill Brazil, you should listen on myspace, they're soooooo good: http://www.myspace.com/jillbrazil
Of course they're better live than on myspace, but still.

So after that, Bryce, Glenn and I couldn't stop saying "amazing" "so good" "awesome" then went to dance. It was super fun dancing with Glenn doing his hippy-like wiggle.

So yeah, the night was fun.
Now I need to plan my last quarter at Western, and figure out some Tesol business.

(I'm feeling self conscious and weird about the way i've been writing on this blog. it's become a really egotistical thing, but i guess that's that. hopefully it doesn't make me seem like a jerk that only cares about herself.)

I love my mom.

It's true. I do.

You know what else I love?
The sun.

And dad, you too.

My siblings,
friends,
card games are okay,
VW bugs and that I've got the potential chance to ride in one because now I finally know someone whose got one,
Chinese is pretty cool,
and art is awesome, all of it, even Kinkaid's crap.

Yeah. I don't know why I'm so happy right now...maybe because I just walked through the sun, maybe because I finally feel like I'm taking a step forward in life and have some much needed closure, or maybe it's just a random chemical imbalance in my brain.
But does that really matter?
No.
It really doesn't.

dancy

I've been having de-ja-vu the past two days and love it.

Also, last night in my dreams...
I saw a sign advertising a variety of foods. One was Zanzanzitas, and now I can't remember the others.
I went to the Royale to dance and upon entering, the bouncer took my passport, looked it over carefully, asked me some questions, set me to the side, then went to a backroom. I stood there for half an hour waiting for him. Then turned to the woman standing beside me and asked her when he'd be back. Her response was a leaned head to the side which meant, he was right behind me. I turned to look and he pushed my head gently towards hers and pulled out a polaroid camera. He took a picture of us and said "So Cute!" like a Japanese girl.
I checked my backpack (because I had the entire thing with me, full and buldgy. All the employees were acting super nice...which is somewhat unusual. The women there are normally pretty unfriendly.)
Then I headed off to meet up with Vanessa and Maryann to dance. Walking over I noticed there were some new couches--full-on, living room style. They were lining the walls. They were plush and redish orange. People were lounging in them. The dance floor had been almost entirely obstructed by a new wall that projected images and people were dancing 70s-like. Vanessa was up on the itty bitty dance floor shaking her blonde hair back and forth and wiggling her arms too. She was clearly having a blast. I yelled her name and she looked up and waved mid-hair spin.

more on the dentist.

Just as I arrived at the dentist today I heard a man yelling words. At first I thought it was obnoxious, then the words he was saying registered in my mind: "Gorgeous hair! Flowing nice! Beautiful!"
I looked over and there were two clean but burly men, one yelling those words across the street at me.
I was too confused to react, turned and entered the dentist's office feeling a strange sense of pride for my mane.


Then the dentist, after asking me a few times about tooth adjustments told me, "You're really good at knowing how you're feeling and describing it."
I told myself she wasn't just talking about my teeth and felt really good about myself.

...See, the dentist isn't so bad.

edit

I will be "looking *for somebody"
...I'm not sure how to "look somebody"

oh, the dentist.

So I've got a dentist appointment today, and I want to tell you I'm looking forward to it.

I keep groaning about it to my friends and mother, but inside I'm excited.
I'm looking forward to the sensation of success afterward, the feeling that I've overcome some difficulty--that I survived the battle field in my mouth.
I'm looking forward to the high from the needle anesthetics they pump into my jaw.
And I'm looking forward to the numb-mouthed cup of coffee I will likely treat myself to downtown.

And as always after a dentist appointment, I will be looking somebody to have a drugged up numb-mouthed conversation with.

gosh guys. really.

The last dream I had before waking was of Glenn, Maia, and Jeremy coming in my room and dismantling my dreamspace. They were unzipping, unbuttoning, and pushing it over.


It was really annoying because I was trying to sleep.

love

I haven't been dreaming much lately. I think the reason is I haven't been sleeping in my dreamspace. Since Thursday I've been on friend's couches and floors.

So instead I'm posting a quote about love. Recently the idea of selfish vs. unselfish love came up. It came up in a phone conversation with a good friend of mine from high-school and it's in Michael Jackson's Man in the Mirror which I've had on repeat for a couple days.
So, it's the theme of the weekend:

"Love is the one means that ensureth true felicity both in this world and the next. Love is the light that guideth in darkness, the living link that uniteth God with man, that assureth the progress of every illumined soul. Love is the most great law that ruleth this mighty and heavenly cycle, the unique power that bindeth together the diverse elements of this material world, the supreme magnetic force that directeth the movements of the spheres in the celestial realms. Love revealeth with unfailing and limitless power the mysteries latent in the universe. Love is the spirit of life unto the adorned body of mankind, the establisher of true civilization in this mortal world, and the shedder of imperishable glory upon every high-aiming race and nation."
-Selections from the Writings of Abdu'l-Baha

bottles and fire.

I was at a used everything store, checking out.
I looked down into a cart filled with clear glass bottles and began picking some out. There were uniquely shaped bottles that I had to have. The old woman at the cashier had poofy white curls, clearly shaped by curlers over the previous night. Her skin was mostly wrinkles and her body skeletal without any fat padding her bones. She looked down into the cart, then up at me, and said "Take whatever you like hun! They're all yours!" I continued to grab more bottles, now gleefully, and held them in my arms. Maia was with me. She gave me an encouraging smile, sort of a "I don't think those bottles are as great as you clearly do, but I appreciate that you're happy" smile.

Later I was in a living room with Maryann, Leeta, Vanessa, Evan, and others that weren't specific. We were sitting on couches. The living room was tiny, maybe seven feet at the widest parts. We had just baked something. Leeta began complaining about how she was hungry, but that the opportunity to eat the brownie had passed. So we looked to the oven, thinking of making more for her. Looking at the oven, we collectively realized there was a fire coming from one of the metal trays. I said "guys I think the oven is on. we should turn it off, then the fire will stop." They didn't think that could possibly be the case, and I didn't want to turn a switch in protest of my opinion, and in turn get them all pissed at me, so I just sat there, worrying.
The fire got bigger. It was spreading across the metal rods of the tray, then to the back of the oven, then to another tray. I called the police. Everyone else frantically ran around the house.
I told them there was a fire in our oven. They said to unplug everything incase the fire spread through the wires. We did that. On the phone, the woman was really calm. She wasn't sending anyone to help, she was just talking me through it, like a counselor trying to prevent a suicide attempt might. It was frustrating. All the while I knew it just needed to be turned off. So after a sufficient amount of time on the phone with this woman I pushed a red button. This button was on my belt...? All of the other lit up buttons on the side of the oven died and the fire stopped immediately.
"Look guys. It did just need to be turned off! See."
"Oh yeah, look at that." They all said, hardly surprised or even interested.

I seriously wish this song had been playing in my dream:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pKu2QaytmrM

random.

I dreamt Taylor came to visit, but his skin was so pale it was bleach white, and as we walked together we struggled to find a topic that interested us both.

Also, I kept running my fingers across my face and there were massive scars everywhere. The sensation was nice, but I was afraid to look at myself in the mirror.




And, this is random, but today I remembered the first guy I ever dated was in China. I was 12, he must have been 14. He spoke Chinese, I spoke English.
Our "date" consisted of walking through the school campus one evening, with three other people. I balanced on the edge of the sidewalk and he walked on the other side of the three people. I was really nervous. They were translating what he said as well as they could. He gave me a necklace, and my friend told me I had to give him something in return, that it was expected. I think I tried giving him American candy, but the girl said that wasn't good enough.
Pretty sure I gave up, and that ended it.
Mom, dad, I never told you because I was embarrassed and afraid I had done something bad.

yet more Murakami

"The flames accepted all things in silence, drank them in, understood, and forgave. A family, a real family, was probably like this, she thought."
-Landscape with Flatiron

"My soul was in chaos as deep as a newly formed ocean of mud. The true light was hidden behind dark clouds."
-All God's Children

Haruki Murakami

Rainn Wilson on persecution

Usually I think it's dumb when actors get into politics, but this an exception:

http://www.cnn.com/2009/WORLD/meast/02/17/wilson.faith/index.html?iref=newssearch

one of those days.

So today me and this guy who were unofficially "dating" since late October broke it off.
Finally we are officially not doing whatever it was we were, and it has left me feeling odd. I don't feel like crying particularly, and I'm not angry. I guess it's confusing, makes me honestly feel partly unwanted even though the decision was as close to equally distributed as possible, but also partly assured I'm onto a better path in life.
I do feel disappointed to be without the opportunity to open my heart to another individual, but it will come someday, with somebody who wants to do the same.

But for now, I'll continue feeling a little odd for some time.
And when I see him around, nod my head and keep walking, because that's all there is to do.

(And I have a sneaky feeling all of that crying in my dream last night was in preparation for today. It's left me without tears to cry even if I attempted it.)

scary.

I remembered more dream.
I was with Nicole, from high-school, and she was driving a huge black truck. I was in the passenger seat. She said she wanted to show me a good view. She drove straight up to and over the side of a cliff. She climbed out the windshield and gripped a rail with her hands, hanging over the edge. She said it was the Grand Canyon, that I should enjoy it.
But I was terrified and weeping in my seat, feeling the weight of the car imbalanced and fearing death was inevitable. It was a gorgeous scene, but I wasn't looking forward to the miles of fall to an impact of death on the canyon's floor.

I think I may have cried in my sleep because my eyes have been hurting since I woke up this morning.

oh man.

Today I feel like somebody hit my brain with a baseball bat repeatedly and all I would like to do is sleep.
But, today is the day I need to complete two big projects and finalize an essay.
...why oh why universe, are these two overlapping?

Also, my dreams were a little crazy.
I was on a lot of buses. On the buses I always sat in the furthest back seat, near the rounded mirror that reflected the backs of everybody else. A guy came and lied down beside me, his body resting against mine. I was annoyed, but only slightly. He asked me why I sat way back there. I said I didn't know. He said I should take full advantage of what I could see through the mirror and spy on people constantly. I thought he was kind of funny. He was larger with a lot of facial hair.

Later, I was with Katie. We were going to a performance in an enormous hall. Then I was with Taylor, and he bought the tickets for me to see the show, then I was with Kevin I think, seeing it with him. With each of them, at some point, I was either latched to their arm, or holding their hand. Walking up the aisle to leave to use the restroom I knew I needed to decide where to sit and the decision was freaking me out. I felt a strong sense of my morality being tested.

Warning: This part is a little gross. If you're dad, you probably don't want to read the last sentence.
In the bathroom the toilet seat was placed high, so you couldn't sit. I stood there, realizing I had my period. I didn't think I had any tampons so I yelled out to everyone asking. Nobody did. There were two girls standing outside my stall waiting to use it after me. They were performers so they had on glittery outfits with done up hair, and more glitter with their eye shadow. I was upset with them because we could see each other through the cracks, and it was stupid of them to wait in front of my stall since I was clearly going to take longer. I found a tampon in my bag. "Oh. Thank God. I do have one!" I yelled out to everyone. I stuffed it in, worried I had got the applicator stuck too, but in a hurry, I zipped up and left anyway.

I was walking back into the theater when I woke up.


Oh, also, side notes.
Yesterday the sun was blaring and it was beautifully warm when the air was still.
Day before yesterday got a ton of Clarissa Explains it All jokes...haven't ever had much of that, since many years of teasing were spent in Israel where that show doesn't exist.

Sometimes

uncovering a mystery is just disappointing.

Murakami, I love you.

More from Kafka on the Shore:

"Every one of us is losing something precious to us. Lost opportunities, lost possibilities, feelings we can never get back again. That's part of what it means to be alive. But inside our heads--at least that's where I imagine it--there's a little room where we store those memories. A room like the stacks in this library..."

It goes on with the library metaphor, but I think the beginning of the paragraph is the most moving part.

morning.

it looks like the sun might come out today, the birds are singing, and the rooftops are glistening with white frost...
but still, for some reason, i'm just not feeling today.

China dream

I moved to Beijing.
I was walking on a street, by myself, soon after arriving.
It was comfortably hot and the streets were full of busy people. I was walking through an outside market, with food displayed on tables, mostly produce.
As I walked, I felt okay being there. I wasn't worried that I didn't know where I was, or that I didn't know anybody. I didn't feel good though either. I knew in the back of my mind that Justin and Sebrina were nearby so I could see them if I wanted.
As I continued walking I came to a hill. When I began walking up it I looked to the other side of the street and saw a guy in male Indian dress. He had a huge puff of hair. It was Reed! I yelled his name and he turned, saw it was me, and opened his arms to me. I kept walking to him and gave him a hug. Then he turned his head back to the other side of the street and Hayden was there. He was ecstatic, as usual, and so I ran across the street and gave him a hug too.

It turned out there were a ton of people I knew in Beijing. So I joined them all.
My family was also there. They had all moved into a housing complex, each living in their own little hut of a house in a suburban setting. I visited them.
Their houses had tiny video recorders and screens displaying the footage all over the house. In the bathroom there was a screen on the door displaying the footage of the entryway. In the kitchen, of another angle in the kitchen. I thought this was a little odd, but didn't give it much notice.

Leila was pregnant again, and Shaun was drinking beer. There were beer bottles all over, not an obscene alcoholic amount, but enough to show that he wasn't hiding that he was drinking them.
He was wearing a tie-dye shirt.

In the housing complex there were huge parks. It was pitch black outside, by that time, being the middle of the night, but they took me to some anyway. They knew I was jet lagged so it didn't matter.



I just remembered that I got to China by train. I took three trains and rode in a car through a mountain, getting lost along the way.
The train in total took me five days. I remember sitting in my cart, on a couch that folded down into a bed. I wasn't bored or lonely, but knew I would be both soon. I looked out the window watching the scenery pass by.

Right before waking I was struggling with something or someone, but I can't remember what was going on.

Today I am a blogging machine.

Haruki Murakami from Kafka on the Shore,
I hope none of this ruins the plot in case you read it yourself, but I strongly doubt it could.

"Sometimes fate is like a small sandstorm that keeps changing directions. You change direction but the sandstorm chases you. You turn again, but the storm adjusts. Over and over you play this out, like some ominous dance with death just before dawn. Why? Because this storm isn't something that blew in from far away, something that has nothing to do with you. This storm is you. Something inside of you. So all you can do is give in to it, step right inside the storm, closing your eyes and plugging up your ears so the sand doesn't get in, and walk through it, step by step. There's no sun there, no moon, no direction, no sense of time. Just fine white sand swirling up into the sky like pulverized bones."

"I'm Kafka on the Shore, you say. Your lover--and your son. The boy named Crow. And the two of us can't be free. We're caught up in a whirlpool, pulled beyond time. Somewhere, we were struck by lightning. But not the kind of lightning you can see or hear... You listen as the blank within her is filled. It's a faint sound, like fine sand on a shore crumbling in the moonlight...Until Monday morning dawns you hold each other, listening to time passing by."

Ha! have to post this.

Marzieh, my infant niece, was speaking like an intellectual.
She was saying things along the lines of, "I am currently just a wee child, an infant you might say. I recently came from my mother's womb. (pointing to her mother with her overgrown mind, not her body, because infants don't have motor control.)"
She kept speaking for a while.
When she took a pause,
I rolled my eyes at her, and said "Of course, a child from your parents would talk like this!"

hahahaha

All I have to say is,

I wish I could stay in the dreamspace forever.

some dreamy things.

I saw Alisha, she was meant to be bringing along a group of handicapped children but she said the cost made her boss choose not to support the trip.
She came alone.
When she arrived my family was in a house, somebody else's.
Before she arrived, I and a few peers were there, experiencing the wrath of the parents, who parented separately and with brute force. It was extremely upsetting. But I didn't say a word, to their faces.
And way before she arrived we prepared for her coming. We were in this building, talking about cakes. We were making three of them. One, sitting on the edge of a round table in front of us, was completed. It was one layer, apparently chocolate, with a pink fondant frosting covering and billowing off of it, draping over the table in flowers.
Beside the table with the flowing pink cake was a structure that you could crawl into. This was possibly an art space of some sort. A guy I was with took the initiative to be the first to crawl in. I followed.
Later, on my own, in a place completely unknown, I went into a McDonalds. (again??) Embarrassed, again, to be there, I looked around at the people seated at their desks eating. None of them cared I was there, but I felt I had lost all hope and self respect because I was there. The cash register was an old woman at a booth, we stood in line, then had our chance to speak with her. I asked for a coffee, she explained the options. One was a short coffee which was like a mixed cappuccino, one a soup coffee which was literally the size of a large soup bowl, a "punch to the death" coffee?? which was flavored, served in a bag inside of a box, and the cool, and admittedly crude part is you punch it with a needle to drink. I think there was another coffee that had to do with dinosaurs. I went for the simplest, short coffee.
I set my things down and walked to the center of the room. I was very self conscious. Being in the center, didn't make anything better.
A black woman came over towards me, really close. A white woman was standing at the counter beside me, with a toddler in her arms. The two were having a boisterous conversation. The white woman offered the black woman a pair of dangly earrings, then a pair of glasses. The black woman was ecstatic about the glasses because she could finally see again.

expelling sleepy thoughts

Recently, when trying to go to bed, I begin thinking about my future.
My heart rate speeds up, and my mind races, as I try to pinpoint the exact goals I need to set and meet in the next few years of life, outside of university.

Just now lying in bed, I came up with guidelines. The reasoning isn't fully clear, but these are the thoughts that have been running around up there. (I'm hoping typing them out will allow me to rid them from my conscious and lend some peace to sleep in.)

I've got until age 30 to complete a Master's program in a Chinese university (if I'm accepted.) I'll need at least 2 years to feel competent enough in Chinese to attend school there. Then 2 years in the program. That leaves me a whopping leeway of 5 years where I can prepare to be a professor (if I'm hired.) If before 30 I have not fallen in love and married, then I can begin my career and have 20 good years of teaching...or, I guess, I could anyway. But babies, they're going to happen some time, so I don't know how many years (hopefully.) And then, well, that's it. That's what I've done with my life. That sounds pretty good, fulfilling.
Then I started freaking out about what I need to do first. Teach English?
Then began to think of the smell and feel of China, a tiled floor of a hallway, the swarms of people on sidewalks, the 798 district, and a thick Chinese accent. Why is it so appealing?

Now seriously, body and mind, I really want to sleep.

the guys. they're cool.

Yesterday Glenn and Jeremy stopped by as they began an evening stroll around town, I presume, seeking mild mischief.
It really was the highlight of my day.

I also saw the play Trust. It was extremely well done, but it brought up "realities" of adult life, like the apparent difficulty to remain trustworthy or in love. It was so well done, unfortunately, that it made me feel sick and for a moment, not want to ever get married.
But.

When the guys stopped by, it was so easy to forget about all of that crap that came up in the play. I ordered them to get in my dreamspace and stayed outside of it, taking photos and peering in at them. It was way too much fun.
I seriously, for the first time in a long while, felt like a kid again. I'm not sure if they enjoyed it as thoroughly as I did, but I hope so.

They had an amazing idea.
In the mornings when you wake from your dreams, something will appear from the dream in the space. I want that to be reality so. bad.
...just like when you dream somebody gives you a gift that you love so much, then you wake up looking around for it, thinking it was true...you search through the sheets, under your pillow, and then slowly realize, with devastation setting in. It was just a dream.

I've come to the realization,

I really need to rethink my strategy with life.

it's dusk all of the time, and yesterday.

I ran away. I was off on my own all alone and had ended up in a housing complex that was more like a hotel. I let myself into someone's home, taking shelter there.
Later I found out it was a Baha'i family's home I happened to barge into, so they didn't mind me being there.
Soon after barging in and setting down my things I ran down the dimly lit polished tile hallways to somewhere I needed to be urgently. I needed to buy a train ticket.
Throughout the whole dream it was dusk.
I went to a train station that I've been to before in my dreams.

(I think this dream was because of the imagery in my mind from Kafka on the Shore.)

I also was in this shopping complex and I stopped to look through large black portfolios of photographs. I saw prints of sunrises that were about four feet wide and three feet tall. I knew they were taken in Israel but they weren't labeled.
Later I was talking with my dad and another man. The man was informing us that Obama had decided to visit Akka in the next few years, which is why those photographs were on display. I told my dad excitedly, that I knew those were from Israel. He gave me an understanding smile that suggested he knew that too.

(This, I think, is because yesterday I just happened to pair myself with a Jewish girl in my acting class, who, of course, was slightly surprised that I lived in Israel for five years. We were joking about doing our skit in another language and she said that would be difficult since she only knew a little spanish and some hebrew...She's the last person in the class I would've guessed was Jewish...
It's kind of weird, I lived with a Jew, my neighbors are Jews, and my acting partner is a Jew. You would think that every other student at Western was a Jew. Not true. I'm magnetized to them.
Also, I keep noticing the sun rising in all of it's pink glory.)


I also want to write about yesterday, because it was, for me, all I could ask for in a day.
It was themed by China and easy conversation.
I began the day with "e-mail Beijing prof." written on my hand, reminding me to do that, so I can continue planning to attend CAFA University in Beijing one day.
Then in sculpture class the professor and I spoke for about an hour, both of us bordering ecstatic because of our shared interest in Chinese Contemporary art. I told him about the things I saw this summer, he showed me the books he has.
Just a moment after that, as I walked out of the library I bumped into my old Chinese professor who grabbed my hand. After she finished speaking with some women, she turned to me and asked how I was. I told her I was well and mentioned my intent to move to China this summer. She told me to drop by her office in case there's an internship they could help set me up with. Of course, Tomlonovich, that would be great!
Weird. China China China.
Also, every person I spoke to, I connected with on some level not connected on before, or at least had an easy, happy conversation with. One, Ilana in acting. I've wanted to speak with her since the second day of class. Finally we did, and she seems awesome. Two, professor about China. Three, professor about China. Four, Matt in the sun about nonsense. Five, guy from movie night who randomly appeared in the art building. Six, everyone at movie night.

little dreams.

I dreamt there was an enormous sale.
Everything wasn't cheaper, i don't think, but everything was creatively crafted.
Instead of normal sportswear, one store had a shirt with interwoven pattern across the front all done in neon colors of yellow through red, a baby blue full body jumper with zig zag designs of red across the torso down through both legs, and a whole lot of clothes that stretched over the body like pantyhose.

That's all I remember of that dream.

I had another of the sea. I was with my parents on a type of vacation. We went to learn more about the sea creatures of the sea. As we went there we crossed mountains, seated in a vehicle whose seats arranged us all facing outwards towards the open canyons, hanging us over the cliff edges of the route. I sat next to my dad and Shaun was beside him. I was crying from fear, had my hands covering my face. My brother looked over at me with sympathetic sad eyes. He was scared too. My dad comforted me, but despite his repetition of the phrase "it will be alright" I didn't believe him. The scenery was beautiful though. We passed every kind of mountain you can think of.
We arrived in a place.
After some time we walked along a boardwalk, around a sort of lake of water at the base of a waterfall of still water. But the boardwalk was more water, shallow, and full of goopy sea creatures. You were meant to walk over them, but as you did they responded by either oozing or squirting goo. I was disgusted and terrified, so attempted to balance my way across the wooden beams that held this shallow pool of a boardwalk together, clutching to the railing as I went.
My family on the other hand, were stoked about it. They ran across the boardwalk to their next activity, being some type of scuba diving.
As it turned out, this vacation was not my thing.

I also dreamt a friend called me. I was at home with some girls, sitting around, probably having girly conversation...or not. He called me, saying he urgently needed to speak with me. I was taken aback and said that was fine, but I needed some time to get ready. I did things, then took a shower. He arrived before I was done so I made him wait in the living room. When I came out, he walked to me sternly. He didn't make any comforting facial expression, just looked at me, with closed mouth and unflinching cheeks. This was serious. My hair was wet and I was self-conscious, but I don't recall the conversation.

I also dreamt that beside my apartment complex was another, cheaper version of my apartment complex. The landlord was a prostitute/dancer and I happened into her office, seeing a closet full of outfits including big furry pimp coats and tiny prostitute clothes.
I came back to my apartment to speak with a lady I knew, who was in my living room. She was a good friend. I approached, her, knowing she lived in that complex. She revealed to me that she too, was a prostitute. She was ashamed but all I could do, as a friend, was attempt to hold back some of the punches of her self hatred.


Holy cow,
The sky is so. pink. right now.

compelled to write. everything.

Today has been an interesting day.

I read South of the Border until a few pages short of the end, when I needed to walk to the dentist.
I lied down, getting a temporary crown for a tooth in the far back depths of my mouth. I could taste an extreme sour that made me gag, smell my teeth burning, and hear the loud buzz of drills in my head, all the while wanting desperately to know the conclusion of the story.
The dentist knew this, so she purposefully took her time after finishing drilling to leave me sit for a moment to read.
When she came back she asked what the story was about. I took the opportunity to explain even though I wasn't sure if she was merely being cordial.
"It's about tortured love. Childhood lovers were separated, only to see each other again years later after the man settled down with a wife and bore three children. Despite this, and because of their intense love for one another, they met secretly several times leading up to one night of passion and promises of a future together. The woman dissapeared the next day, leaving him to pick up the pieces of his life without her."
The dentist's response was "You know, my theory is everyone, if they're honest, will admit to having one person they will walk over fire for. But really, that person is probably not the best for them. It probably won't work out."
Then she stuffed her hands back in my mouth. In my mind I said back to her "I completely agree. I know I'm young and probably naive, but I think I've already felt this way for someone."

After that I walked out feeling a bulbous protrusion made of play-doh was stuck to the left side of my face, partly hoping to see a friend and share some numb laughter. I walked to library, found a spot to sit as quickly as possible and finished the last few pages. Then checked out the next book of Murakami's to read: Kafka on the Shore.
I walked on to chat with Katie at Mediterranean Specialties, ending up there for three hours, reading.

We're back at my apartment and Katie hung out in the dreamspace for a few moments, commenting on how child-like my apartment has become.
Then, in all conversation, my brain failed.
I could not speak the word "halogen" and moments later mistakenly said a man was "stampled" to death. That was a good laugh.

Now we're attempting to read to some jazz tunes.

here it is.

Thanks to the help of Maia and Brian the dreamspace made it into my room!
Those guys are awesome.

Here are some photos.
I'll be sure to post the wild dreams I'm hoping to have tonight from sleeping in it...
It's made from 1x2s and old clothes.
The head and foot separate completely with zippers and buttons attaching the clothes between.

minor complaints.

Today is kind of a big deal.
I've got a dialogue to perform in acting, a critique in sculpture, and a critique in experimental drawing.
And last night I slept terribly partly because of this, and unfortunately in turn making this day worse.

And this strange new thing has been happening with my body. My temperature is easily thrown off. At four in the morning I woke up sweating and dehydrated, needing a glass of water. Now, right after waking, I'm shivering.

NOOOOOOO!

I need to figure out how to restructure the dreamspace because I just found out it cannot go through the window.

Hopefully professor Sebastian will know what to do.

Darn it!

snippets of dreams and a play.

I must seriously be obsessed with that sculpture project because it was in my dreams both last night and the night before.
I wonder if when I'm sleeping in it, I will always dream of it...

Dreams last night were fuzzy, but I remember walking into a room and zooming in on a pie precariously resting on the arm of a couch. I said "Oh wow! There's a pie!" as we walked into the room, but the people I was with couldn't have cared less about it.
I also remember the presence of the dreamspace, nothing much more.

The night before I dreamt that I folded it up and stuffed it in a large suitcase, bringing it with me far away, to New Mexico presumably. I wanted to show my parents what I had made. I unpacked it and reconstructed it in the living room. Jeremy, Glenn, and I got in and lied down, displaying its use. It was extremely comfortable. My parents didn't pay much attention to it or us, but I was still proud.
Then my mom and I went off somewhere, in search of a house. It was a suburb, and the sun had just set. The temperature was just right. My mom didn't really want to go and kept trying to make excuses, repeatedly suggesting we would never find it. I was more optimistic and decided to urge her on, recognizing it wasn't very nice of me to do so. We ended up in this community center. We walked in and the people standing in the entrance hallway gawked at us. I was carrying the suitcase. Shan Shan, Justin and Sebrina's ayi-house cleaner/live-in nanny, was there.
That's all I remember.


Also, unrelated to dreams,
I went to a play called Cheat last night.
And despite my complete lack of interest in watching a play at 10:30 pm, once it began, I changed my mind.
It was really interesting. They had a projection screen cast on one wall. Seats under that, the stage was the floor, and the majority of "seating" were raised platforms with railings where the audience stood to watch.

It was essentially a discussion on what cheating means and the ambiguities it entails. Announcers would speak throughout the play asking us things like "Is it cheating if everyone is doing it? Is it cheating if you steal because your kids are starving?" And there were a few main storylines like businessmen morally degrading themselves in order to attain some fulfillment of their greed (which was personified by a man also playing their boss), a guy madly in love with a girl who didn't want to commit and opted for another woman in the end, and a baseball player encouraged by his coach to take steroids.

The play turned out to be one of those pleasant surprises made even better by dread.