just a boring recount of an emotional day

Today turned out to be a sort of emotionally tumultuous day.

I went to my painting professor having a breakdown, deciding to start over on a project even though we're already halfway through the time to make it in. It just became something I didn't want to work with anymore and wasn't going to turn out in any way I would be pleased with. She was understanding of my emotional reaction and supportive of my decision. She even said I had integrity for starting over at this point because it showed that I recognized I wasn't doing something as well as I could. She apparently didn't think the painting was as bad as I did. She did however agree that it would be better as an installation. I was painting stacked televisions with cropped parts of Mao's face on each screen, making up a full image of his face. It seemed pointless. Why move that concept to a canvas when you could actually use televisions? So painting it was just tedious. Hopefully I'll actually be able to realize that installation if I can speak to someone and figure out how to break up his face on screens.
Changing plans meant I had to go to the store and get a new canvas. Luckily I don't need to build this one because she understands the time crunch. And then figure out what I was going to paint. I bought the canvas, bussed it back to school, then walked home to figure out some new images. I brought them back for her to see, and it wasn't suitable for the project's guidelines. I got upset again, and just sat there trying to think of how I could fix things. I must have looked mad, so she asked why I was pissed. That's when I cried. I didn't want her to feel I was angry with her, so I explained it all. It felt like failure upon failure. And this is my last painting class so I've been feeling this pressure that I should have things figured out by now. I'm a senior and after this I don't know what to do. I don't even know if I want to stick with the medium. And to not be happy with the beginning of the first real project in this painting class felt horrible and more confusing. I also told her how I've been doubting myself, feeling like I can't really paint. She assured me that wasn't true, that she had seen from the first series that I could if I set my mind to it.
Anyway, she was supportive and I'm glad that I was able to have a meltdown with her. The thoughts had been running around my head, and I definitely was feeling anxiety when I was painting...but the reasons weren't clear until I spewed them out at her.