dear diary,

I feel myself becoming a cynic.
It's a tangible shift in my perspective on life and it's strange to be aware of it and not be working to stop it. Maybe it's a maturing situation.

I feel a strong doubt that I will possibly find a person, one person, that I want to spend the potential remainder of life with...someone who wants to do the same with me. That seems far-fetched.


And when it comes to art. Yes, it's beautiful and inspirational, and still a definite passion of mine. But, at the same time, so much of the world measures success by how many people know your name and/or how much money is made doing what you do. The same goes for art of course, and I don't want to fall into thinking that way too. I don't want to seek fame and push myself on people to get it.
And to make things worse, when I reflect on the art I make, I never feel it's that good.

I'm probably just depressed because life is changing right now and I'm scared. This, hopefully, is completely irrational.

This is a huge positive in my life right now, and should overpower the previous thoughts though. Sharron, my favorite professor, a woman I absolutely admire and respect, wrote "I am so glad you're in this class" and other general positive comments about my first 15 paintings this quarter. That felt amazing. She's got a show in Monterey at the same time as Alisha's wedding so, fingers crossed, i'll be able to check it out. That would make my summer.
And I know this will seem strange, but I've got some sort of relationship with people who wear round glasses. She does, as does Xu Bing, vice president of CAFA, another artist I look up to...Maybe when my sight goes I'll wear round glasses too.