a new mantra.

this will be the running mantra in my brain until June 13th:
EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY. EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY. EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY.

that should help,
hopefully.

because right now i'm wavering between a deathly fear of what's to come, and a pleasant recognition that this is it for at least a year.
if the two were put in a boxing ring the first would claim victory 9 out of 10 rounds. you might even say the first would likely open a can of spaghetti on the second's ass.

...i didn't sleep very much last night.

will it really be okay?

man pelting tiny metal objects.

I was in a mall with a group of friends on some trip.

We went to the stairwell after hearing there was a crazy person throwing nails and coins at people from a few flights up.
We descended a few flights and then began to get pelted by the tiny metal objects. One of the guys in the group and I were walking alone together down the stairwell. He took my hand for the first time and we linked fingers. He knew I was scared and the time was right. But still, I joked with him, saying "Isn't this a little intimate?!" (and you know how in dreams everything is extra dramatic...well it felt like we were descending to our doom, so it was even more touching and my joke was even more awkward.)

We continued descending, trying to stay close to the walls so we were struck fewer times by things.
I remember specifically seeing a large coin hit the floor and a large nail, then thinking how badly they could've hurt if I hadn't dodged them so well.
After a long pelting, one of the girls and I escaped.
We went out an Emergency Exit and crawled along the mossy rocks of the seashore as far as we could. It was frigid and misty. We went a long ways, then climbed up onto the grass. We continued to crawl frantically. The grass wasn't misty, but completely wet.
I looked back to the stairwell and at the top there was a glass balcony. The crazy person lived there. He came out onto the balcony and pulled out a long gun. He hoisted it onto his shoulder and began focusing the aim on us.
There were couches scattered throughout the field so we hid behind the closest. Trembling in fear, crouched behind the couch together with his aim on us...that's how I woke up.

borrrrrrrring.

I haven't been sleeping well recently.
Actually, that's a lie. I've been sleeping very well, but as I lay down to bed each night, I wish it were hours earlier and I wasn't falling asleep past 2 am every "evening."
Tonight I decided to try sleeping earlier, but instead I've been flipping and flopping in bed for a couple of hours.
I just watched an ENTIRE episode of Star Trek. Usually they put me to sleep like a lullaby, warm milk, and a good hard knock over the head.
But no, the full thing. And I enjoyed it. ?

So now I'm going to post about my day in hopes that it will bring a needed finale for my brain to relax and let me sleep.

Today was great.
I woke up to sunshine and soon after Shaun, Leila, and baby came over. We chatted for a bit, then went on a walk with Katie to boulevard park because the freaking sun was out!...eh hem...finally.
And while they were here I realized I'm jealous of baby because she looks good in a double chin.
And I'm bitter towards baby because she won't look me in the eye when I'm trying to tell her a story.

Anyway, so we walked and that was good fun.
Then we were nearly blown off the boardwalk by the arctic chill winds, but forged on to the park, then back home.

When we got back Shaun and I took the ginormous painting of leila down to the car and found it definitely was too big to fit. So Shaun ended up tying it to the top, which was entertaining, strapped down with a tarp and rope.
They took my pile of art to keep, I threw away the art to throw away, and now my apartment is nearly devoid of any art. It's very different and now I realize how important art is in life.
But I'm glad. It'll make moving so much easier.

We hung out some more, then they left. I was feeling anxious to get back into the sunshine, so I did. I went on an aimless walk towards downtown, ran into Jon Zeller who is off to China soon. That was a tinge serendipitous because on the way I was thinking I'd stop in at the cafe where he works to see if he's working so I could chat about China with him.
Then went to the co-op for sick people provisions, and as I left ran into Gwen who was about to go meet up with Katie, William, and Mary. We made plans to meet up in 20 so I could go hang out with the bunch too, I saw Maia briefly, then rode with Gwen to Katie's.
It was strange how that aimless walk turned out to be perfectly orchestrated.

God this post is dull.

Hanging out with them all was fun. We went to Casa, then to Mallards, then to buy balloons which unfortunately were a migraine and a half to blow up.
So instead we played Scategories.
William had to go home to get the game so while Katie, Gwen, and William were gone Mary and I brainstormed a prank to surprise them with.
We decided to set up Katie's tent in the kitchen then get in it.
The tent was wonky and deflated because we didn't have dirt or stakes to support the walls with. We turned off all the lights and got in it. They came home and assumed we had left, turned on the lights, and surprise!...we were in the tent.
It was actually really hilarious. Mary was rolling on the floor laughing.
But you probably had to be there.

Yeah, so we played the game and it was jolly and fun.


Now I need to stop typing because this post is boring as is. More is less Carissa. This is more, not less.
But, I'm wide awake and it just turned 2 am.
:(

furious subconscious.

Last night my dreams were aggressive.
I yelled at David Wall for being a jerk in class. He was speaking, loudly, will the professor was trying to show us all something. The rest of us were quiet and obedient, but he was blabbing away.
So, I yelled across the room, "David! Why don't you just shut up for once and pay some respect. God!"
He succumbed to the power of my voice.

And then I was on a plane with a really annoying guy who tagged along with me and my friends. He was complaining like nobody's business, writhing around in his seat uncomfortable, and picking on the Chinese ladies sitting beside him.
I got angry at him too. I told him out for being a self-centered jerk and informed him he needed to be patient like the rest of us.

Then I argued with a professor for not being fair.

I read this article yesterday that said when you're angry you shouldn't let it out in cathartic actions like yelling or throwing dishes because it won't solve the problem. It'll make you angry more often...I never yell or throw things. I think my catharsis wreaks it's wrath in my dreams.
Things is, I didn't think I was angry about anything.

why is this so hard?

i've got piles of art around my apartment right now. lots of them. large piles.
i'm attached to everything. i learned something making each one, and want to keep it around.
i know it sounds stupid but they're a part of me, and
Dagnabit! I don't want to get rid of any of them.

But, it's so necessary if i want to ever leave this place.

there's a heap in front of me i'm going to throw away today.

i'm taking pictures of everything first for documentation, but it feels more like photographing a piece of me as i shove it in a coffin and stuff it in the ground. forever.

i seriously am on the verge of tears right now. maybe i should take a break that isn't just posting on a blog, only exacerbating my overly emotional reaction to this purge...

30 days

I feel depressed.
The show I just watched was terribly sad, a 30 days episode about jail. It made me think about how completely useless many of the jails are, and how society has failed so many people, and plain wishing drugs just didn't exist.
It's incredible that somebody could spend 15 to 50 in and out of jail.
And that somebody could be grateful to be in jail so they can finally get off heroine.
And that there really isn't any help for many people either while they're in jail or the day they step out.

I'm afraid this show has put me in a bad mood, wanting to shake my fist at "the man" because I don't have a solution.

Yuck.

dreaming Katie's life now.

I had this dream last night that I'm unwilling to post,
but, this is insane:
I told Katie the dream this evening and she told me an aspect of my dream was her reality recently.
Whaaaaaaat?

We are so on the same wavelength. Always.