I've been dreaming, but not posting.
My mind has been on other things, like school, school, school, friends, the sunshine, and now a stupid cough...which has got me realizing just how uncommon a cough is for me.
And how grateful I am for that, because it hurts.
I went to the clinic today on campus. Was there 3 hours, and had to wear a face mask the whole time. The swine flu thing has some justified fears wafting around. It was an interesting experience though being the only one in a waiting room of peers, trying to do my homework and not paying any mind to how unusual I looked with that ginormous mask plastered over my face, only allowing my eyes and hair to be seen.
It was probably unsettling to them. It was just warm and stuffy for me.
Anyway, I don't have the flu. They checked, so I'm not going to die.
And now I'm just counting down the hours until I can drink some of this codeine cough medicine they gave me. I've put all of my hopes into this bottle of medicine because no sleep for two nights of coughing has made me near desperate for this magical substance that I assume will knock me out.
Also, I've realized how impatient I am with sickness. Maybe it's because I'm young. Or maybe it's just because I'm an impatient person.
I don't know.
But what I do know is anytime i'm sick I try to tell myself it's in my head, that i'm not actually sick and can go to the gym, can go work on things, can go dance...then realize i'm having these thoughts while half-asleep with a pounding headache and hoarse cough every two minutes, otherwise motionless on the couch. No, Carissa, you cannot go out dancing tonight.
This impatience I'm afraid is going to make for a difficult aging process.
In other news, Katy and I are still looking for jobs in China. I applied to a few more the other day and haven't heard anything back yet.
We're aiming for Tianjin or Xiamen.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Monday, April 20, 2009
man,
I hate disappointment because it's all my fault, and it just plain sucks.
Because of it, right now I'm super sad and want out but seem to have got myself stuck.
Because of it, right now I'm super sad and want out but seem to have got myself stuck.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
art, art, art.
I'm almost done sewing the clothes together. Today/tonight I'm gonna try putting it on the tree, fingers crossed I measured well and it'll work out.
Also, I've found a place for my sculptures. This e-mail was going around the art department about an art auction raising money for a local middle school. So, I'm gonna contribute the washing machine, freezer, and dreamspace.
I suppose it's not professional since I wouldn't be making any money off of them, but I think it's a good solution.
I'd really like someone to have them.
I'm really feeling this fabric thing. It's surprisingly un-crafty even though the materials would be considered so. I just need to stick with it and not flake out so that ideas will progress.
All I'm wondering now is whether once I move to China it'll still seem appropriate. I mean, one of the major reasons I'm doing this is because of the excessive amounts of clothes that go unused here.
p.s. I feel like a crazy person right now, really really crazy. I think it's because of the weird sleep schedule I've fallen into.
Also, I've found a place for my sculptures. This e-mail was going around the art department about an art auction raising money for a local middle school. So, I'm gonna contribute the washing machine, freezer, and dreamspace.
I suppose it's not professional since I wouldn't be making any money off of them, but I think it's a good solution.
I'd really like someone to have them.
I'm really feeling this fabric thing. It's surprisingly un-crafty even though the materials would be considered so. I just need to stick with it and not flake out so that ideas will progress.
All I'm wondering now is whether once I move to China it'll still seem appropriate. I mean, one of the major reasons I'm doing this is because of the excessive amounts of clothes that go unused here.
p.s. I feel like a crazy person right now, really really crazy. I think it's because of the weird sleep schedule I've fallen into.
Friday, April 17, 2009
catch-up.
I haven't posted in a while, but that doesn't mean I haven't blogged.
I just failed to upload them before they became completely irrelevant.
Yesterday I flipped out. Mom, Maia, Rochelle, and Jeremy can attest to that.
But after talking with mom who is much more at ease than me pretty much all of the time, then putting on a Popsicle dress, I calmed down.
Got to see a sweet artist speak about her art.
Then went straight home and began sewing clothes together to fit a local tree.
Alisha called while I was doing that, and of course I had to tell her what I was doing when she asked "what's up" and of course I got a laugh and some sisterly teasing. She suggested not just wrap clothes around a tree, but makes clothes for a tree, with sleeves and all. I thought about that (first I might add ;)) and may do it if this works out. She also suggested adding a belt...I don't know about that Alisha. Tacky!
Anyway, talked to her for a good long hour or so. It's so cool when you've got a sibling you can talk to and get along with...one that occasionally made you want to destroy things.
Later watched some Spaced, a British show. Parents, you'd probably like it. Not sure what was really happening. 4 episodes in and the plot hadn't thickened yet, but it was still entertaining.
OH MY GOD. I just remembered that last night in my dream Oprah called me. She called me accidentally thinking it was an old friend of hers. She needed help with some issue, and decided I could help her even though I wasn't who she had expected. She came to where I was and Maryann, Vanessa, and I, as we tried not revealing or awe, walked her around town, giving helpful pointers.
She was really short.
I just failed to upload them before they became completely irrelevant.
Yesterday I flipped out. Mom, Maia, Rochelle, and Jeremy can attest to that.
But after talking with mom who is much more at ease than me pretty much all of the time, then putting on a Popsicle dress, I calmed down.
Got to see a sweet artist speak about her art.
Then went straight home and began sewing clothes together to fit a local tree.
Alisha called while I was doing that, and of course I had to tell her what I was doing when she asked "what's up" and of course I got a laugh and some sisterly teasing. She suggested not just wrap clothes around a tree, but makes clothes for a tree, with sleeves and all. I thought about that (first I might add ;)) and may do it if this works out. She also suggested adding a belt...I don't know about that Alisha. Tacky!
Anyway, talked to her for a good long hour or so. It's so cool when you've got a sibling you can talk to and get along with...one that occasionally made you want to destroy things.
Later watched some Spaced, a British show. Parents, you'd probably like it. Not sure what was really happening. 4 episodes in and the plot hadn't thickened yet, but it was still entertaining.
OH MY GOD. I just remembered that last night in my dream Oprah called me. She called me accidentally thinking it was an old friend of hers. She needed help with some issue, and decided I could help her even though I wasn't who she had expected. She came to where I was and Maryann, Vanessa, and I, as we tried not revealing or awe, walked her around town, giving helpful pointers.
She was really short.
Monday, April 13, 2009
not so good dreams.
I think it's funny that after posting all of that about relationships I had a dream of confessing my love to someone.
Er, actually, now that I think about it, I'm not sure if I ever actually confessed it. I was about to at least.
I sat with his friend talking and eventually he asked what was going on with he and I. I admitted to my feelings, and the friend was so happy. We sat there for a while, him smiling, me surprised and encouraged that he was smiling.
Then the guy came over. There was a table with bottles covering it. I was trying to arrange it in a certain way to take a photograph. It was wobbling all over the place. I turned to do something and he had cleared the table, thinking that was helpful. I got slightly annoyed and told him that's in fact the opposite of help, but at the same time felt appreciative of his effort, and didn't really care at all because I loved him too much.
Then we went walking somewhere.
Busy streets with vendors and a public vegetable market.
We stopped at one to buy some noodles. There were cots set up in front of the vendor to lie down in while you ate, so I lied down and waiting for the order. He came and lied down beside me. It felt perfectly comfortable but also not, because I felt I may never be able to say something to him...and if that was true, then I shouldn't anyway. It was a calm but unsettling realization.
Later I was in a room with a sort of shallow platform built into the wall twenty feet above the ground. It was attached to a slide.
I climbed up on something to get on it. I navigated with difficulty onto and across the thing, nearly falling the entire time, my legs dangling over the edge.
That was pretty scary and pointless.
Also, right before waking, I had a really disturbing dream. A guy I didn't love, or really even care about at all, got me pregnant. A thousand thoughts ran through my mind, all revolving around anxiety and hatred and guilt. I didn't want a baby yet. It ruined every plan. And not with him! I was sitting on my bed. He was walking back into the room, arrogantly and completely unaware of the situation he put me in, and there was another guy-a man-standing in my room beside me. He was trying to console me. He was level-headed and supportive, but I sat there screaming all of the horrible things this meant.
After a good long whirlwind of terror I finally convinced myself I had been dreaming and it was okay. I could just wake up and everything would be fine.
Now I'm awake and thankfully not pregnant with in illegitimate and unwanted baby, nor troubled by the secret love I can't admit, or dangling from a twenty foot ledge.
Er, actually, now that I think about it, I'm not sure if I ever actually confessed it. I was about to at least.
I sat with his friend talking and eventually he asked what was going on with he and I. I admitted to my feelings, and the friend was so happy. We sat there for a while, him smiling, me surprised and encouraged that he was smiling.
Then the guy came over. There was a table with bottles covering it. I was trying to arrange it in a certain way to take a photograph. It was wobbling all over the place. I turned to do something and he had cleared the table, thinking that was helpful. I got slightly annoyed and told him that's in fact the opposite of help, but at the same time felt appreciative of his effort, and didn't really care at all because I loved him too much.
Then we went walking somewhere.
Busy streets with vendors and a public vegetable market.
We stopped at one to buy some noodles. There were cots set up in front of the vendor to lie down in while you ate, so I lied down and waiting for the order. He came and lied down beside me. It felt perfectly comfortable but also not, because I felt I may never be able to say something to him...and if that was true, then I shouldn't anyway. It was a calm but unsettling realization.
Later I was in a room with a sort of shallow platform built into the wall twenty feet above the ground. It was attached to a slide.
I climbed up on something to get on it. I navigated with difficulty onto and across the thing, nearly falling the entire time, my legs dangling over the edge.
That was pretty scary and pointless.
Also, right before waking, I had a really disturbing dream. A guy I didn't love, or really even care about at all, got me pregnant. A thousand thoughts ran through my mind, all revolving around anxiety and hatred and guilt. I didn't want a baby yet. It ruined every plan. And not with him! I was sitting on my bed. He was walking back into the room, arrogantly and completely unaware of the situation he put me in, and there was another guy-a man-standing in my room beside me. He was trying to console me. He was level-headed and supportive, but I sat there screaming all of the horrible things this meant.
After a good long whirlwind of terror I finally convinced myself I had been dreaming and it was okay. I could just wake up and everything would be fine.
Now I'm awake and thankfully not pregnant with in illegitimate and unwanted baby, nor troubled by the secret love I can't admit, or dangling from a twenty foot ledge.
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